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Old 09-06-2019, 07:37 PM   #11
PancakeBrah
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Witty-

This gained steam the further it went on. It was a smooth read throughout, though. The rhyme scheme stayed consistent. A few hiccups in wording and pace here and there, for me. The approach to the topic was straightforward but well executed. The passages when your protaganist is reading could have been more colorful, written in a different style to contrast the moods you're setting up in each scene. Your word choice changed in each, but I think a more exuberant expression could have gone a long way here. Maybe more stream of consciousness, to express the freedom and escapism your character is feeling. Character portrait is my preferred style of NETCEES TOPICAL; I think you did it justice here. I think the regret/mournfulness your character feels about her husband would have been better set up if he was mentioned in the first stanza(?), somewhere in the 'lays in the sheets' or 'glows in the dark' areas. As it is now, it kind of goes from a completely internal, existential struggle with a book for escapism to something with a familial bent. Not that one is better than the other, but I think it kind of has the effect of adding extra drama a bit too late in the game. I enjoyed reading this, if I'm coming off too negative. I think it's easier to be critical in these votes.

"Leads to disarray when she lays in the sheets
And prays for relief from the chemicals in her veins
She's dazed and fatigued, and skeptical things will change
When night falls these white walls seem to glow in the dark"

"She's filling her people with the thirst to survive...

...but she's thirsty, alive? you could consider her so
But if your question was...is she living? then, no"

Those were my highlights. Also, the ending line was really well done.

I didn't like "bloated" (didn't feel like the right word for the scene, felt force-y), "frivolous" before hope felt off because it seems like a narrator's judgment whereas the rest of the piece stays to her perspective, and the "demon's life" line tripped up my read something fierce but I'm an idiot so who knows.

Lars-

Pretty funny stuff. A creative take on the topic, using your persona and current "events" to further troll while submitting a solid piece. As per usual with you the rhymes and flow were pretty spot on and consistent throughout. Maybe one too many ironic exclamation points? I chuckled at a couple points and found it generally amusing throughout. The only problem being the repetitive nature of the piece. As an extended joke to continually thumb your nose at everyone involved it passed in spades. Purely as a topical it was something like 10% (maybe 12.4%) too long for the gimmick, in my opinion.

"Aware that the author played chess, if to dismal degrees,"

"His huge walls of text loomed large enough to be seen at a distance"

"The troll had him taken in every which way
but the mod had been blamed for exhibiting feminine traits."

The use of 'blithely' was way incorrect, unless I'm missing something, and the slight overuse of ironic exclamation points got grating. My only two technical nitpicks.




Character study vs. troll-y comedic piece. Both writers were equal in terms of rhyming and "MECHANICS"; maybe I'd give Witty the slight edge for trying some different schemes and using punctuation for emphasis and reading assistance, which I always enjoy. Content wise, just a matter of preference. Seeing's how I'm an overly emotional alcoholic I enjoyed the melodramatic character study (shocking) a bit more than Lars' comedy (which I enjoyed). So if you bifurcate TOPICAL WRITING into 1) MECHANICS and 2) CONTENT like a real simple idiot from a flyover state, and you give each CATEGORY to one writer, then the logic goes you vote for that person. Lars' verse and victory over NYC was victory lap enough for him, hopefully. Now I will bold my vote (I'm voting for Witty) so that it is quite clear who I am voting for (Witty).

Thanks for writing for the championship match, guys.
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