Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinacog
In the green plains were stars born; stars scorn -- stars scorn --
STARS SCORN -- STARS SCORN -- STARS BORN -- STARS BORN --
I am stars scorn -- STARS BORN -- I am born from a red PLANET
I am red planet -- RED PLANET -- BLUE/BLEW planet -- BLUE/BLEW PLANET
i see the color scheme but the repetition feels lazy.
I am the OMNIFCIENT ZING! I had sex with woman in the zing!
I am spring; the green grassy hills of the conundrum gallows of HELL..
For I am a STARS SCORN -- STARS SCORN -- I am the malevolent HORNS
BENEVOLENT HORNS -- settle the score with metal swords
you had a couplet of kind of writing then back to Sin'in
I am the DECIETFUL SER PINT -- the serpent of EAZEN
The snake of eden; appeasing the WINTER SEASON
I am the conundrum GALLOWS OF HELL: VAIN COMPEL
THE GREEN MALAISE WAS THE HAZE FOR THE CONUNDRUM GALLOWS OF HELL..
this isn't going anywhere
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Pretty sure you're trolling. Would be cool to see what you can do if you actually try, you obviously know how to write and some of your old stuff wasn't bad. This tho...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Objective
Raised to be driven by the wind
The bridge between the mountain peaks
meet seasons with astounding breeze.
Each year is fleeting by so calmly here,
no pain or fear...
Just time, the sky and our atmosphere.
nice start. smooth flow and imagery, and it's always good to get some topic tie ins early
Hours clocking freedom moves
for Beth with sassy dancing shoes.
She tip toes lightly at the centre stage,
no right or wrong for her playful drake.
this is cool. short lines put more pressure to deliver with your word choices. this isn't bad but one of the places you could power up the verse
The balance of the shifting wind
is filled with tension
(it's even drifting filth within)
A rift! A tear! The descent appears
to leave behind her smiles ascension.
seems like you were having fun with this. more imagery and pic connections. liked the close
She reels it in with quick and simple taps,
but the rope start twitching, then it snaps!
not a fan of simple end rhymes. especially w/o internals. challenge yourself man, this is below your skill level
Funny just how life appears
to be so safe, and soft and sound,
when any trip or push and scare
could take her to the grassy ground.
really like the flow and rhyme scheme switch up. favorite part so far
The drake that once was windy love
is now found somewhere down below.
She ran home to her fathers grace
whom told her of the better days.
Then crafted her a new to use,
that works with force and mild abuse.
a new 'one'? this is kinda bland. feels rushed
Now;
See her glide through seasons with astounding breeze,
with drake in hand at the bridge between the mountain peaks.
nice rhyme to close and bring it back to the picture
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Short piece and I've seen better from you on some aspects, but it wasn't bad at all. I think you should give yourself a little more writing time and do a final edit pass before you post. See where you can tweak wording for impact. Solid skills at the foundation, you just need to add more of your personal touches. Rhyming was off and on but you did enough to win. I think this treatment is too straightforward to win against tougher competition, think about your angles in future rounds.
Vote: Objective