Candy - You took the most literal approach here I suppose. Not much going on. Some awkward rhymes and phrasing. I enjoyed a couple lines but felt they could've been worded much better for maximum impact. You kept mentioning the stings being pulled in your head which effected what's between your legs... not quite clear why. Maybe the old battle of one head vs. the other? That would've been a unique approach if it was properly laid out and explained further etc.
Take your time man, don't rush to post. You will do much better.
symetrik - First stuff I've seen from you. Not bad at all. You have a very free flowing and casual style that I enjoy reading. Very stark and visual portrayal of cancer eating away at someone. The car accident could've been alluded to a bit more though. Maybe some flashbacks? Kind of came outta nowhere at the end and if it wasn't for that first part in bold I would've been very confused.
Still, this was a cool little piece and I see bright things in your future IF you take your time in the upcoming weeks and dont write so quickly.
brokenhal0 - okay so this was the best overall verse in terms of just straight up rhymes and clever lines etc... But I dont really see this as a quote on quote "topical" verse. This seemed more of an OM piece to me, with lines wrapped loosely around the topic. I did enjoy it though, some really cool lines as I said but in terms of attacking the topic I think it was a swing and a miss unfortunately. I'm here more for stories than just clever rants. You will probably get a couple votes though cuz it was a good verse overall.
symetrik told the best story here.
Vote - symetrik
Thanks for the read guys.
__________________
..Passed the Present and Future..
|