[Universe]

Vote - Adverse.





Kidding, Larscotic ;). Let's get into it.

Adverse:

First off, kudos to you for even accepting this battle. You had the Champed status in your back pocket but decided to do the honorable thing and wage war. I have tons of respect for you, my friend. But you know that... Anyway, I know you weren't feeling up to writing but the fact that you flipped that into your concept was clever imo. A mark of a good writer is doing exactly that. ie. When you have nothing to write about, write about nothing. I definitely could relate to your struggle here, and I loved the picture you painted of sacrificing your real life for your art... and then questioning whether it was all worth it. Great stuff. Related to the topic well in a metaphorical sense - the clock, time... being buried within its heavy expectations, and maybe even more so, your OWN.

One thing I didn't really like though was the fact that you made it TOO personal. Like about your own specific work and accomplishments. I think if you would've kept it more general, in terms of say, a struggling writer buried under massive doubt and time constraints, this would've worked better as an overall story concept. But I get what you were going for here.

Ending was cool, turning the time element literal and waking as an old man to the dreams (or were they nightmares?) and the ghosts of your writing past. Although it did seem kind of slapped together at the last moment because the long-winded flow, etc...

This is such a gutsy direction to take this topic and I commend you for going out on a limb and saying, "fuck it, if the limb breaks it breaks..."

Highlights:

"I stare at the threads I’ve connected, find a place for the painting
Trying to piece together a whole though it’s straight complicating
Through the shadowy corridors I pace, until my legs are defeated
When that don’t work I get down and pray, I try and beg for a meanin’"

- Cool description of the search for an idea...

"But still I as a chief wordsmith, am unable to decipher these dreams
Full of this mindlessness, death, stress, lightning and screams
Day after day I waste away, you see the shape that I’m in?
I tap tap the keys with calloused fingers, I wear my age on my skin
Suffocate in these man poems..."

- calloused fingers was nice. And lol love the man poems.

Overall, a good showing here Adverse. Hopefully you find that flame again and join this league.


sraL:

Great verse. Flow, spot-on. Multi's were amazing... but what really stood out to me is the wordplay and clever flips. You took this topic, dissected it, created a decent story and even added in the aforementioned "punchline" type lines to really create a beautiful thing to read. I loved this, Lars. See what happens when you avoid goose metaphors? Haha. Honestly, the darker you go, the better you are... Stick to real shit like this and you are a tough out for anyone.

I really respect your passion for writing - it mirrors my own. We make this look easy but you and I both know, it isn't. It takes a lot of effort to do what you did here, and making it seem simple is the mark of an excellent writer.

Highlights:

"My job as Head of Funeral Direction required a want to embrace
positive change so business turned over, just not in their graves.
The modernisation of burials is often revised
to ensure our pockets as lined as the coffins supplied"

- Your smooth wording really makes the multi's stand out.

"By increasing the speed of its gear chain to automate the procedure
its spade could dig deeper than any man, without taking a breather.
The cost of labour was cheaper and graves appeared in abundance
with its centralised bevelled eye overseeing production."

- Like, fuck. A thing of beauty.

"I aimed to save the business from ever-dwindling debts
but never came to make a killing in the*literal*sense.
Now several victims are buried after being choked to their deaths
only instead of the dearly departed, it’s*me*in over my head"

- This is insane in so many ways.

I honestly could've quoted way more but I think everyone gets the point. Lars made a statement here. You have my full attention now, champ...

Great battle by two of the best. I hope this gets more votes and the attention it deserves. Maybe this can be the catalyst...

Vote - sraL