[oats]

Adonis: this was a tricky verse, for a couple of reasons. It was like an epileptic seizure of ideas and images, which made it hard to fit together even though I liked many of them. Second, the language itself was fairly complex, too complex in my opinion. I tend to gravitate towards greater complexity in language, because it opens more doors for my imaginative response, but some of the descriptions seemed ham-handed: like "death's existential, in light" could have been easily changed to "death exists in light" and it makes it more clear and potent. As it is, I get what you're saying, but it loses some of its effect.



YDK: per usual, your rhymes were consistent and strong throughout the verse, which always makes reading your work easy and enjoyable. I do like the subtle changes in the "chorus," so to speak, gave it a bit of a narrative feel that change was occurring. A few gripes, though. First, it seemed melodramatic, and I'm not even sure what the problem of the narrator is. At first read, I thought he was homeless and people walked by ignoring him, but then it said he was laying in his home. Then I thought maybe he was a cripple or something, but nothing much to support that. I finally rested on the idea that he was being rejected by chicks for reasons unknown to him, ending with the note of self-confidence. I would have liked a little more clarity on that, something more specific to ground me in the emotion. As it is now, it's solid with good writing, but comes off a bit generic nah mean. Good verse though, I enjoyed.


Vote: this is an odd battle because I didn't think either of you really addressed the topic in a meaningful way. Adonis clearly had the more ambitious verse, juggling much larger concepts, but it failed to tie it all together. So I feel compelled to give the nod to YDK despite liking his writing less, because his verse felt more realized, even if it was a tad melodramatic to me. Good clash of styles, would like to see you two face off again tbh.