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Old 12-16-2018, 08:03 PM   #6
Razah
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
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Battle Record: 8-10


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I thought it was cute how both of you used each other name's in the verses. Sounds familiar..

Anyways, cool battle. There were certain parts of broken halo's verse I didn't like. Like, the technique is there, but I feel like sometimes things are thrown in just for that fact. There's alliteration that didn't really sit well together, a random rhyme thrown in to keep the rhyme scheme consistent which didn't move the verse forward, it was kind of just there to be like, "hey, i can put schemes together".

I did still enjoy it. The first beginning part was really good, then you got to this line:

Where madness presses cheeks the dead will speak crazy house mc


And, it just went downhill from there. Got the feeling you just wanted to wrap this up quick. Besides some minor personal preference related stuff, this was a decent read.

I think Asylum had the better read. It was just consistently better. It had less technical stuff than broken halo's, but, it was technical & fluent enough to make for a better read. I usually stay away from "cursing" in verses just because, I only use to to really emphasize a certain feeling or whatever, but this line felt real.

until you're neck deep in a swamp but thirsty enough to drink the shit

one day a trust fall turns downward spiral ina instant


That stood out. Simple but, effective.

where familiar phrases whistle past some open scars that cover pain

That was cool too. I dunno, I'm a little confused overall on the topic you had in your mind. Were you an angel, do angels have guardian angels? Were you an angel that had fallen, hence your halo being broken, but then you're beamed up? Are aliens angels? Who's the her? Is that you as a human, loving a her, but giving up hope, I dunno.. it's kind of like, you were writing from a few perspectives all in once & it didn't quite come out correctly. I'm a little confused about it, but it still read good. I think if the narrative was more focused, it would make for a more cohesive topic. I am pretty high right now though.

Anyways, both had good verses, I just liked reading Asylum's verse more.

vAsylum
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