View Single Post
Old 12-16-2018, 07:45 PM   #6
Razah
rockkFresh
 
Razah's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 11328542
Razah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant futureRazah has a brilliant future
Default

Adonis' weak as hell for not posting.

Master Rock,

clouds drown the moon shimmering across dark waters
dripping apparitions spur
reality got me perplexed lost in its stream
roll the boat life, I'm caught...but is it really a dream?

I really like the imagery you have going through the piece. That segment was filled with it, it just didn't rhyme (the first couplet). It felt like a run on sentence, but the no rhyme threw off the flow for me there.

while darkness is peering through daylight's seams

I liked that line. Stood out to me


the living doesn't seem perceive my presence nor acknowledge the direction in which I flow

That was wayyy too wordy.

This was a good read. Very consistent. Imagery was on point, the whole haunted / ghost / dying / what seemed to be about the journey of death was pretty cool. Cool verse.

Adonis, you weak as hell.
Razah is offline