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Old 08-16-2019, 09:11 AM   #11
MMLP
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Right I have to vote, I owe it, so here it is LOL…. putting my neutral head into gear


Stan – halfway thru-ish, flow-wise it’s a challenge to keep up with but I appreciate how you’ve switched it up as well as the subtle details as the reader, im with ya thus far just, but… the imagery is fire, you’ve been on RR too long, I miss the old lars tbh but the descriptive/ storytelling is ON POINT! emphasised in this part …….

“There was a flash as headlights brought to life the pavement.
A foot crept on the gas. Accelerating to the kind of pace his
mind was racing. Drove to revenge. Blood-soaked clothing still wet.
It’s malodorous stench now followed him as closely as death.
Over the exit. Tyres screeching. He knows where he’s heading.
The road was as empty as the hearts of those with motives against him.
Knowing your enemy out here can be what keeps you alive.
The motoring engines guttural roar grunts how he’s feeling inside.
No fear in his eyes. Just that courteous look as he searched for The Wolf.
Clearly this time, Hood was riding red — and thirsting for blood!”


…..FOOKING HELL THAT’S GOOD, PPL SLEEPING ON THIS PART FOR SURE, I hate it when you blow it out the water like this, knowing how braggy u are in real life… props due, when props due though.

that’s a dope story, looking at the pic directly after…. really brought it together, niccce old folks tale for the streets like what ya don with it… totally original… when your storytelling is on, its haaarrd to counter. the rhyming is faultless as per usual.. wording is so descriptive and narrative reads fluently and natural, never seems like you put multies together for the sake of it, it all mattered. Fire



NYC – bout halfway thru, Haha im loving this tbf, the lines don’t feel as long as it looks, it’s a brisk read, nothing spectacular flow wise but I gather u dont really care cuz the content is so good, its cleverly written, very concise and you’ve not so subtly identified this character as baron even suggested him out to be a paedo in one line tht was LOLz, immature and wayward, im intrigued where this goes..

had to look up Malthusian but this part is crazy good, technically brilliant as well, kudos!
The facts unearthed revealed: experiments conducted of all biological kinds
harness life extension; then alter known history along with sociological tides...
It was a long lineage of ancient elites - this collusion was wide -
upgrading themselves while killing others in Malthusian crimes.


Ahhh

I noticed a few of the lines endings were unnatural wording/ rhymes, seems wasteful and forced and loses momentum (for me) as I was engaged for the large part

liar-freak/ cyber leak
scorcrous forced stares/ porch chairs/ ready for warfare
…. those are just sum examples of multi-ing for multis sake!
some even mismatching syllables in there (last para mainly) but think most ppl do that tbf, but unfortunately it stands out to me, and on preference, irks me…. mainly cause I pay way more attention than most would! Technically the last part wasn’t ON as the rest, in some lines and the finishes
This where you needed to finish this roaring piece with a flourish and kinda seemed rushed.

Ending was ok but sealed this vote once and for all, maybe yours is just too direct if anything, hes literally getting shot and all his works flashes before his eyes (as the image topic is showing), from a creative and technical standout, edge goes to lars this time

Both killed it, dope match up to the extent I had to nit pick slightly in order to pick a winner,whoever gets to the final arguably deserves it, cant be mad either way but on preference, vote lars
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