Good effort. The wordplay puns were kind of basic, but they are always difficult to do well (either they are too complicated or they are face-palmingly cliched - E.g., 'field of ponds'.) You did best when you focused on being direct like the part about "Like I've been killing these sixteens and I ain't reached the age." You could have wrote a lot more about that, it might have been very OK.
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