[ACTIVATE SELF]

NYC

I fed this in the OM. So some of my commentary may sound rehashed or recycled, but bare with me, bro.

Hey…I’m Sarah; I’m worth exactly one billion slavecoins
Nox-5 and Eupha-69 are favorite drugs at our local rave points
I’ve settled here on Sperare - a mote of dust in the wind
A Mega City, one of thousands on this cluster we’re in

Dope. I love your self-invented sci-fi lingo. It reads true and authentic to the topic and really pulls me into the world you're creating.

I’m a warrior of many means, of hacking lust and of sin
An agent of the resistance against that fucker the king…
Darkness and cunning are deep in his soul, lurking within
Taking planets in hostile fashion on the burst of a whim

Looking at the girl in the picture it's not hard to imagine she would talk like a modern-day teen. But, there's just something about the way "that fucker the king" reads that I don't like. I'm not against cursing in topicals by any means, but in this instance, it seems unpolished and less than best choice of wording. Everything else is solid.

Leaving members of the populace to nurse with their jinn
In lieu of death or exile, they choose to curse in the wind…

A "jinn" is a supernatural being of Middle Eastern lore and mythology. It's synonymous with a genie or a demon. Although, you could certainly twist and turn the word to fit your narrative, make it a title or some sort of Space related variation of the entity, but idk, bro. I'm not seeing it's relevance to the story.

He’s planted seeds in this city, but I can see the same trap
There’s denial; even after we've evolved to 30 percent brain cap

A little wordy, but the "30% brain cap" is an excellent idea.

...Still remember the takeover when I was just a little girl in a home
Their demonic insignias - a world of pearls and of bones

Ha ...

This is dope. I'm getting an image of Space pirates from this or a mass invasion of some sort of hostile fleet composed of bandits and thieves whom thrive by taking over entire cities and worlds in the outter reaches of the galaxy.

Experimented on my parents, somewhere in the firmament’s throes

"firmament" is a nice touch. In terms of vocabulary, I think it helps to add an air of authenticity to your sci-fi drama.

When they died, I knew at once; now a girl was alone
So I excelled in academics, athletics and speech at their schools
and went along with that indoctrinating reason of fools
But that was then. I long ago escaped by grace of my will
and I’m like the woman in Kill Bill - that most ancient of films

The rhyming is cool. Nothing reads clunky or anything, but I feel it could be enhanced some. It's a little underwhelming. However, what is not underwhelming is the actual content. I love the backstory and, like I previously stated in my Open Mic feed, that "Kill Bill" line is pure gold. You're world building skills are highly commendable.

Moving through shadows in the street out of scope of the enemy
The people hide it in their eyes; their hope is diminishing
The tattoos on my body - homage to a tribe that I miss from afar
a lineage somewhere in time along this prism of ours
There was a native tribe known for their wisdom of words
Back when humanity was localized around a singular star
So I pray to the war gods and wait for whispers from Mars
and tip the balance away from evil and the cynical herd
As I stare at my face floating over the glint of my purse…

NY, you have some superb detailing going on. Things that paint clear and vivid images. I'm really immersed in your story. But, bro, I'm not getting much from your mechanics. I peeped the intri***ies of your scheme and your inners keep the read moving along, but your end rhymes are too scattered and some of them are not lining up or hardly even rhyming at all.

Who knows whether I’ll live or be deceased in a year?
I lay back in my woman cave, attach a piece to my ear…

lol @ "woman cave". Nice touch and direct tie-in to the illustration.

Pull up the interface and smirk, I’m about to get ready
to upload my avatar at the celestial city
It’s made in my image but stronger, with laudable posture
My fingers whir as I prepare for the consciousness transfer
The team is ready at my incubation tube for when I open my eyes
circling the city undetected - know that hope is alive

I once wrote a piece about consciousness transfer, so I'm feeling this, for real for real. Creative and imaginative writing, my guy. The whirring fingers part is also very nice. Descriptive.

Blue energy rises up into ether and the king’s at the crest
My escape is one mistake he’s gonna live to regret

Perfectly worded.

The pulsar cannon is ready, my head is filled with the art of war
I upload -
“speed at invisible glide, straight into his corridor”

"speed at invisible glide" is kind of iffy. Not really feeling the wording.

Okay, so this was a dope verse. You're a storyteller of the highest order. I bought into the mass majority of your lingo, the scenario and the visuals. I wholeheartedly enjoyed reading this. But, I'd be remiss in my duty as a voter, if I didn't mention my gripes with your rhyming mechanics. Although, your story was easy to read and had no real stumples or clunky moments, it was still a little flat when it came to the rhythmic aspect, because in a couple areas the flow was bare minimal at best. I think if you would have elevated the rhyming more it would have enhanced the overal impact and delivery of your lines.

Diablo

The sweat on his brow was calmed by the breeze
before settling down near the scar on his cheek.
But it's not the startling heat that's taken his breath
nor his armour,fat wifethe fearfat wifeis what's making him sweat.
The gaze of the red sun, dawning far ahead,
raged as intensely as his anger toward his Father's death.
The mourned departure left a gaping hole in his sibling
that no sword had hardly ever come close to inflicting.
Most of the village knew the wise and noble man
but spoke of who killed him from behind their shoja stands.

I dig it. The flow was steady. Nothing spectacular. But like your opponent, it's your descriptive writing and scene setting ability that's drawn me in. Everything from the "red sun" to "shoja stands" really aided in painting the picture. The plotline is also pretty interesting. I'm a fan of Spaghetti/Macaroni Westerns and martial arts flicks, so it's always a treat to experience what seems like it might be a combination of the two. For some reason Quentin Tarantino comes to mind.

The High Shinobi Clan were imperial swordsmen
who deprived the lower classes of their menial fortunes.
They were seen as enforcers protecting Dynasty One
even though the fees they extorted seemed to rise with the sun.

Nice exhibition. The wording is also nice.

They pried on the vulnerable, the oppressed, and the foolish
with violence erupting should anyone question their ruling.
Everyone knew this, including his father no less,
and yet he refuted having to part with his yen!

Okay, so we're in Japan. I'm guessing 19th century???

So I'm digging the content. Although, the country and time period are different, this piece kind of reminds me of my Shanghai Noon verse (the one I deleted). The rogue/ronin gang of trouble makers is similar to how I imaged my Triad band of buddies.

The clan regard disrespect as the highest act of affront
so the martyr was met with the knife-edge his life was balanced upon.

Nice bit of poetic sensibility.

The smiters savage response to the peasants dissent
was to strike the man only once, and sever his head.
The method of execution was precise as the men had wanted
and a rufescence of red ran as high as the cherry blossoms.

The flow isn't doing enough for me, but I really like how you're incoperating random details that are associated with Japan (ex. cherry blossoms) to add realisim to your story.

The eyes of the many watching turned away in despairfat wife
as he died for the very doctrine that they were too scared.

"too cared" ... to what??? Yeah, I'm nitpicking. I follow your train of thought, but the line reads incomplete.

The dictatorship shared a maniacal laugh at the top of their lungs
which remained in the air until the return of our prodigal son.

Dope.

The loss of his loved one weighed heavy as the kasa on his head
it wasn't enough wanting them dead,fat wifehe had to have his revenge.
Samurai meant "Those who served," in its correct term so
it was time he handed the men a dish best served cold!

Using the word "served" twice in the manner that you did took away from the flow. I feel like this entire section could be reworded to better deliver more impact via your end rhymes.

The sunset burned overhead as he veered the arid plains
until our expert ronin finally neared their palisades.
The fear that captivated him crossing swords with the henchmen
appeared to have abated having turned his thoughts to redemption.

The wording, inners, pacing and overall scheme displayed here was stellar.

He saw them beheading his father without any remorse
so nothing short of their death is enough to settle the score.
His weapon was drawn from the sheath that housed its intent
as he head into war both outnumbered, and out for revenge!
There were thousands of them against just him on his own
but he wasn't about to surrender, Samurai of principle don't.

Dope. The story is engaging and the character's motive is believable. I can feel the sense of rage and the longing for revenge.

the sadistic Shinobi clan were a disgrace to 'The Way'
while he lived by the code of honor he would take to the grave.
In the face of his greatest adversity, he fought to the end,
even as wave after wave of wakizashi brought him to death.
The stories of legend remember him in the bushido adage to scholars:
"It's more than just strength that makes a man. A man must have honour.

Solid ending.

Okay, so this was like watching a movie. I could easily envision so much of what you wrote, to the point that there were times I forgot I was even reading. I think you had a lot of prestine detail and, as usual, your vocabulary was true to the time-period and setting. Either you are really into the history of the Samurai or you did some serious homework pre-battle. Whatever the case maybe, I enjoyed reading your verse because it was a teleporting experience. I was there -- somewhere in the crowd of unlookers watching the chaos unfold.

However, like NY, you had a couple of spots of inconsistent and or flat areas of flow that reduced the fluidity and impact of certain lines. I know plot progression is the primary priority when it comes to story based topicals and, I'm well aware that both of you guys can rhyme outrageously when you want to -- but still -- I just wish you would have taken some time to up the liquidity of your scheme just a tad bit throughout.


Voting on this battle is really hard, because from a novel-esque perspective you both delivered high quality verses. Even from a mechanical position you both dropped an A- piece. I only mentioned the gripes I had with your flows, because finding tiny flaws, are unfortunately the nature of voting on a topical battle. In any regard, I think this vote comes down to preference and entertainment. More so than it does to who displayed the better writing skill or technique. And with that said I'm going to go with Diablo.

Reason: You both displayed a high level of world-building skill. Each incoperated authentic detail and lingo relative to their universe/topic and I love both genres, but in this particular instance Lars' pieces captivated my imagination just a little bit more. I think mainly due to my affinity and appreciate of ancient Japanese culture. I've always had a fascination with that region of the map and the whole samurai concept, coupled with the picture, really got my mind spinning.

Excellent battle. I picked Diablo but I can see it going either way based on what's written above. Thank for the read guys.