Netcees - View Single Post - Week 3: Razah vs. Adonis [Adonis 3-2 ]

Coup · 01-07-2017, 11:02 PM

first dude (adonispad)

nice section here:

See, I can out line with chalk…
Every ounce of breath
Leaving victims in the wake that’s left
Or I can take aim with a side arm possessed
Either way, be alarmed, with a form unchecked
Ego swells and consumes each chef
For the Iron in utensil is the poem I bless

lol at the chef play...I'll bite.

From "beats behind the ears..." to the close I felt could have been reworded not only for flow, but as well as for visual imagery.

I was bumping along the piece that had an oft times smooth flow and oft times jarring flow...UNLESS you read this piece on the beat and on the rhythm dictated by its line structure. The effect, positive or negative then, rest on the readers ability or his patience...risky business.

Overall I like the care free and clarity of presentation, no straining at gnats to find meaning, a strait forward start to finish...this is to be highly cherished.

//

second dude (razahpad)

Razah coming with a safe, maybe predictable verse? Or maybe there is more... however it may be, the ending lines tied it all together (to the topic at hand) very well. Smooth content delivery, made it look easy to do: each line really carrying on to the next and so forth, not much wasted band-with.

The opening is evidence:
The perfect picture was a house, a tree, the sun- & a cloud I drew
No longer impressed when they surround my view- Picture perfect, now it's you
It's like somehow I knew, when the time came I was astounded too
The admiration is beyond words, but I'm bound to them like I'm bound to you
If I could only define it- You can make my blood boil & still be causing a clot
Still, you're like the greatest story ever told, I'm forever lost in the plot

This is either genius or just cliche...lol but well done none the less. The whole verse is this way.

and in the end, for more risk, more original "universe creating", for a bit more exploration and development I

Vote: first dude (adonispad)

This battle was very tough, and first dude (adnoispad) by a thin margin.

01-07-2017, 11:02 PM	#6
Coup Don't believe the hype Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 572 Battle Record: 4-5 Rep Power: 0	first dude (adonispad) nice section here: See, I can out line with chalk… Every ounce of breath Leaving victims in the wake that’s left Or I can take aim with a side arm possessed Either way, be alarmed, with a form unchecked Ego swells and consumes each chef For the Iron in utensil is the poem I bless lol at the chef play...I'll bite. From "beats behind the ears..." to the close I felt could have been reworded not only for flow, but as well as for visual imagery. I was bumping along the piece that had an oft times smooth flow and oft times jarring flow...UNLESS you read this piece on the beat and on the rhythm dictated by its line structure. The effect, positive or negative then, rest on the readers ability or his patience...risky business. Overall I like the care free and clarity of presentation, no straining at gnats to find meaning, a strait forward start to finish...this is to be highly cherished. // second dude (razahpad) Razah coming with a safe, maybe predictable verse? Or maybe there is more... however it may be, the ending lines tied it all together (to the topic at hand) very well. Smooth content delivery, made it look easy to do: each line really carrying on to the next and so forth, not much wasted band-with. The opening is evidence: The perfect picture was a house, a tree, the sun- & a cloud I drew No longer impressed when they surround my view- Picture perfect, now it's you It's like somehow I knew, when the time came I was astounded too The admiration is beyond words, but I'm bound to them like I'm bound to you If I could only define it- You can make my blood boil & still be causing a clot Still, you're like the greatest story ever told, I'm forever lost in the plot This is either genius or just cliche...lol but well done none the less. The whole verse is this way. and in the end, for more risk, more original "universe creating", for a bit more exploration and development I Vote: first dude (adonispad) This battle was very tough, and first dude (adnoispad) by a thin margin. __________________ What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope.