[Split Eight]

hello bros. I recently moved to Detroit for work, so I decided to put together a helpful guide for y'all for future reference.

So you want to come to Detroit?

0. No you fucking don't. Don't come to Detroit. Is it as bad as it was? Na. No more packs of roving wild dogs. You won't get shot unless you're being extra dumb. About as likely to get robbed as you are on the east side of Cleveland. But like, go anywhere else in America.


1. Coney Islands are an abomination before god and should be wiped off the face of the Earth. For those of you in civilized cities (read: not the midwest) a Coney Island is born when a really shitty, poorly located burger joint decides to try to steal back some of their clientele from 7/11 by adding hot dogs to the menu. Then, this burger joint realizes that it's impossible to fuck up a hot dog and that drunk people will eat anything, and delete burgers off their menu. Thus, a Coney Island is born.

Now, the actual food item 'coney island' is like an even whiter version of a chili cheese dog. They remove the cheese and flavor, however, and add onions and possible melted beef? I don't know

It is also worth noting that there is a seemingly endless variety of these trash tier menu items. "Michigan hot dog", "the Hungarian dog", a "Jackson style", a "flint style", a "loose burger". Honestly just reads like pressing 'random article' on Urban Dictionary.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE PERSUADED TO EAT AT ONCE OF THESE PLACES. ALL OF THE FOOD IS SHIT




2. Holy fucking shit are the potholes bad. This is an old meme. I drive a 1997 Mazda Miata setup for track days with a metric dick ton of chassis stiffeners, and I have never hated a commute more. You will regret upgrading your rental, just get a miserable shitbox with a suspension softer than the pope's dick.




3. Ohio travel notice. Don't go to Ohio, unless you can marathon it south to fauxHio, aka the mountains. Ohio is a big grid of sadness that will consume your soul.




4. Midwestern girls are clapped out, avoid. Self-explanatory




5. Sightseeing Honestly there is probably some cool shit, but do this other thing instead. There are rideshare electric scooters you can rent with an app for like $0.10 a minute, they probably go 15-20mph. Get some bros together, rent one close to the riverfront, and go on a drinking tour of downtown. Don't even bother googling landmarks or museums or any of that stupid shit. Rent a scooter. Get drunk. IRL Mario kart race down the streets and sidewalks of Detroit. Just keep googling breweries and bars until you're so drunk you need to Uber home, so you can lie in your bathroom floor on the precipice of puking for an hour, but actually just absorb the alcohol into your entire body so that you feel like death the next day.





Enjoy Detroit :)