Originally Posted by Incredible
Defiant a bigger no show artist than 'killing spree', hold up I'm about to go on one
A massive clip u d'wanna see, old tommy more off its rocker than coop in disc. forum
this is an okay punch. The flip is basic, but passable with good wording. The wording here isn't great. If you're calling coop and uncle Tom with this - and I'm 90% you are - it's clever, but that idea gets lost in the execution. The setup itself, while out of the box, takes a long time to make a really basic killing Spree flip. Also, it is pretty long with clunky wording and gets kind of distracting. Imo, by making the connection of Defiant -> no-shows-> Spree-> basic killing flip it's almost jarring when the punch itself is so far from where the bar started.
Vs. Sinacog? I'll skin a cog that's a cat-dog. Press that into your noggin
Votes ON GAWD? thats a problem I SWEAR I got this so wrapped up you'd think I was hoggin
I like how you're trying to mock his style in the setup. I do not get the punchline at all, unless you're just saying you're hogging votes, in which case, it's not that great - lacks anything too clever on its own or some misdirection/wordplay to give it some extra oomph
I think it's crazy all these old cats came back shortly after Ouch arrived
Funny thing is they still got it, and you..? WAAAYY passed ur stride
I'm gonna nitpick because you're obviously getting the dub here. This is a decent personal angle that probably could've gotten more love. There's a lot more you could've done with 'stride' that could make this dope. Also in this setting, you could be writing a bar about 4 different people, so when you address Ouch in the third person in the setup and second person in the punch, it almost feels like the bar must be for someone else. You could avoid this by referring to Ouch as 'you' in the setup, totally acceptable in a five way battle
I mean:
Ouch, it's crazy these vets showed up after you arrived
(punchline)
Slecht wife could be used as a pasture ride, admit the bih sloppy
Country games hobby, her bobbing stand located in the back cut of the property
I'm only half sure I get this line so I'll hold off on feedback
Who didn't I mention yet? Oh right this lame comeback kid DLB
Taken off? Nah jets will crumble ya whole lines just not good ok C.J. Mosley?
I'm not sure what happened, but DLB (Steve Fox) isn't in this? Regardless, it's probably your best bar. The association of 'taken off' to jets isn't bad, but you didn't do much more than include it. The "just not good" connection is confusing. I had to google I and it's a five year old quote? If that's what you were going for, this probably would be better if more of the focus was on beating/breaking down lines
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