[Certain]

Season 3, Edition 15

Lose Yourself To Dance
INTRODUCTION





Welcome, friends. We're here for another edition of the Art of Writing League's Season 3 magazine. Last week was a disappointment, but I think the upcoming playoffs have some excellent members back in the swing of things. I'm excited for what this week has to offer. Zenland and King Ra. come through with high-quality submissions to this week's magazine. I decided to make the musical theme this week electro-pop. Enjoy.



PEOPLE'S CHAMP by Zenland
Our bearded Buddha takes a look at championship matches this season and throughout Art of Writing League history.





Here's the article. Name it whatever.

Originally Posted by Frank

@Adonis

I have a lengthy track record of blowing out elite writers. In fact I have been in very few close match ups. My vote count ratio may the best in AOWL history. You may think I have 'faltered', which I find interesting and I would appreciate if you could elaborate on that. Thanks

After reading this quote I thought to myself, is Frank right? Does he really have the best vote count ratio in AOWL history? It's an important statistic if you are trying to figure out who is the best topical writer on this site, and that is often debated with each person choosing themselves obviously. I could tell everyone I'm the best writer here everyday (that's totally true though) What proof do I have that I am? Because I'm fuckin awesome that's why. Next.

You want proof that I'm the best writer? I don't have to prove shit....but if I want everyone else to believe I am then don't you all think that I need some sort of proof that I am? Like, idk, fuckin stats!? Well, the truth is stats are a pretty good indicator of who's been rad, and who's been bad. I feel like slapping myself after typing but I ain't back spacing shit.

Still, the fact remains if you wanna be the best then you have to be the best when it counts. What's a better indicator of that than title matches? The correct answer is nothing. Duh. And if you said the playoffs you'd be a douchebag because I didn't compile all of those stats.

What is compiled here are the major statistical categories you'd look at to try and decide who is the best writer in league history like winning percentage, vote count ratio, most defenses, etc. (Zen can do basic math? mind=blown) Only writers with more than one title match are included. Vulgar is the only champ who have only had 1 title match (Vulgar closed out Season 2 with a NS win over Pancake). Without further ado, here are the Champs by the numbers.

Most Title Matches
1. Frank: 9
2. zygote: 8
3. oats: 5
4. El Pancake: 4
5. Mr. J: 3

Most Title Match Wins
1. Frank: 5
2. zygote: 4
tied with oats: 4
4. El Pancake: 2
tied with Mr. J: 2
tied with Zombie: 2
tied with Cereal Killa: 2

Highest Winning Percentage
1. Zombie: 100%
tied with Cereal Killa: 100%
3. oats: 80%
4. Mr. J: 67%
5. Frank: 56%

Most Title Defenses
1. oats: 3 (consecutive)
tied with Frank: 3
3. zygote: 2
4. Zombie: 1
tied with Mr. J: 1
tied with Cereal Killa: 1

Best Vote Ratio
1. Zombie: 79%
2. Cereal Killa: 77%
3. Frank: 67%
tied with ZeeDee: 67%
5. zygote: 66%

There you have it, folks. All the stats are there for all of us to decide who is the most dominant champ in league history. What's not included here (because its damn near impossible to calculate) is the strength of the competition the champs faced. So if you really wanted to see who's the best champ, well you'd have a tournament of champions, which really doesn't sound like too bad of an idea. There's you an idea for the next tournament mods. You're welcome.

Until next time, peace and afro grease.



Week 14 Rewind
BATTLE REVIEWS by Certain
This was not our finest effort, guys. Writing quality was down a bit, and there were four no-shows out of 14 competitors, with two others posting incomplete verses.





1. Cereal_Killa (5-1) beats Johnathan Mercy (4-3) 6-2. | “I'm concerned about people being happy.” — Matt Stone
BATTLE OF THE WEEK! I don't often come right out and say I disagree with the electorate, but I'll do it in this case. Cereal_Killa wrote a fine verse that showed everything he does well but also was mired in his biggest weakness: ambiguity. We know he wrote about a rice-field worker of some sort, but it's unclear what the aspirations of the rice-picker were or what his definition of happy was. Johnathan Mercy took the topic head on and examined our collective cultural depression. His rhymes were insane, and I don't object to the straight-forward approach here when it's done so well. But this battle deserves its No. 1 ranking because both of these writers brought excellent efforts forth, befitting a championship match.

Originally Posted by Johnathan Mercy

It activates something
- a rapid and sudden genetic regression
in us irrational, puzzled, panicky, jumpy
anthropomorphic, cannabis-muddled
vanity-governed, outstandingly stubborn
- psychotically affable monkeys and addicts of comfort
A mental obsession... that expands in us lovely
- literal motherfuckers and masochist munchkin

2. Soulstice (2-4) beat patrown (2-3) | “The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.” — Ian Fleming
I like both of these writers quite a bit, but they fell a bit short of my expectations. Soulstice attempted a dual-scene story in which a son shoots up a school while a father wonders where things went wrong. I think he came pretty close here, with the son scenes being particularly well written. But the father never generated the emotional connection he seemed to be going for. patrown wrote a verse that sprawled all over the place and never found its cohesive point but had a lot of interesting writing.

Originally Posted by Soulstice

The first ones fell like bluebirds hit by arrowhead rocks
The next ones just watched, froze in harrowing shock
It's no gradual drop to carrion rot - even post-graduates got
Their futures written in the current - victims all the sudden
That feel of hot steel was like those foreign laughs
He had long ago, as he began storming the cafe

3. zygote (11-3) beats Adonis (6-8) 6-2. | “Do not fear mistakes. There are none.” — Miles Davis
These two are the only members to have posted verses every week of this season but somehow hadn't battled before this. Their battle did not represent the best either of these two fine writers has to offer. zygote went zygote-by-the-numbers, writing a parody of an inspirational speech. But he did it with a pitch-perfect voice and delivered a funny and accurate scam-style speech. We're investigating if Aero ghost-wrote for him. Adonis went very topical and wrote about Elliot Rodger. The writing was good and kept the content moving, but Adonis didn't bring enough depth and newness to the subject that's been so heavily covered lately in the news.

Originally Posted by zygote

I’ve perfected a method to best survive fear and a technique to compete and set aside peers.
I’m a success maximiser. Caviar appetizer, self-advertiser. I despise stress magnifiers.
That’s why I’ve authorized you to become your own help organizer. Success is the best equalizer.
Fear of failure is a challenge to suppress; learn to accurately assess the talents you possess.

4. cyph her (2-1) beats Vividlyvague (7-6) 7-0. | “I've learned from everybody I've ever met.” — Levon Helm
Something appeared to go wrong for Vividlyvague this week, as he posted half of a crappy verse and never tried to edit in more. cyph her, as a result, ran away with the victory, her second in a row. Her verse was not as interesting as last week's, as she took a more traditional approach. Her rhyming still is a bit alienating, but she brings together nice turns of phrase.

Originally Posted by cyph her

I’m peering at the clock, but only out of the corner of my eye..
Blind is what I need them to remain to be..
As expected, the evening’s court guard let out a sigh…
And only I would know that this escape means lunch time..
I will remain patient and calculating..
Prism faceless,.. and yet palpitating..

5. Vulgar (6-4) wins via Frank (9-5) no-show. | “Whatever must happen ultimately should happen immediately.” — Henry Kissinger
This is the second time Frank has no-showed when his opponent has dropped an excellent verse early. In some ways, this approach makes sense as it saves him the effort of writing only to lose. But it's still a very lame approach. Vulgar wrote the hands-down verse of the week, about an alien arriving on Earth, replete with the types of allusions and reference points that make Vulgar such a unique writer.

Originally Posted by Vulgar

Creole soup flowing anti-gravity like, in beaded loops
twelve hands on the analogs planting seeds of youth
amber weeds have bloomed, anesthesia's optional
the neutrality of its gaze makes this fantasy so possible
it meanders, dreamy, monochrome, analgesic wattage drone
manacles of sand fern candor, mandarin, a carnal glow
on the shoulders of the multiverse, manatee with collar bones
we can be family, without damaging with counter probes
aiming weapons - they resemble Precambrian kaleidoscopes

6. Certain (4-4) wins via Mike Wrecka (5-7) no-show. | “Leaders need to be optimists.” — Rudy Giuliani
Certain had a pretty good approach going but didn't finish and is the worst. He wouldn't need to because Mike Wrecka was going to no-show.

Originally Posted by Certain

"Brothers, we must not look back! The future sits and waits."
He heard few battle cries. He watched them spit in his face.
But the enemy was coming, coastal towns exposed and found
with savage murders — massacres! — and women choked and bound.
So Broken Arrow navigated his map and built a following,
true men unafraid of this tough pill for swallowing.
The white men were coming west to kill and conquer and
spread their disease and take our land. Pillage, dominance.

7. Strikta (0-1) and Innovator (0-4) no-show. | “We can't plan life. All we can do is be available for it.” — Lauryn Hill
Obviously.



Week 15 Preview
POWER RANKINGS by King Ra.
Our former Sun god overlord drops in with some outstanding analysis about the best writers in the league spanning the entire season.





10. Mike Wrecka (5-6)
Wrecka has had an up & down season, and finally ran out of inspiration/motivation to write. Hard to tell whether he'd sign up for the playoffs or not. But he's done enough to lock a position if he does. He champed the WCL and is very capable of making a run if he finds the drive come playoffs.


9. King Ra. (6-6)
I have had an up & down season as well, but have all but secured a playoff spot. What will my seed be come playoff time? Who knows. I have some work to do if I am going to be a force, but I feel confident and at ease now that I got my computer back in operation. Watch out, niggas.


8. Vividlyvague (7-6)
Vague has shown flashes of top tier writing this season, but hasn't been able to be consistent with it. He will definitely be a force come playoff if he can put it all together. I expect Vivid to really step up these last two weeks as a warning to all that he should not be taken lightly.


7. El Pancake (5-3)
We all know Pancake has what it takes to champ this league when he is on. He hasn't shown much of that potential this season, possibly due to real life things, but when he has flexed his writing prowess, it has proven to be difficult to beat. He has rejoin the league this week, possibly to warm up to make another run as undisputed champion. It'll be difficult, but I expect to see Cake advance far barring any hiccups.


6. Vulgar (6-4)
Vulgar is one of the best writers on this site. This season he has been up & down like many others, but lately he seems to getting back to his roots & it has been working for him. His match against Cake should be a doozy. I expect Vulgar to be ready in the playoffs & anyone who goes up against knows they will definitely have to bring it all or fall very quickly.


5. Frank (9-5)
It's very odd for me to have Frank ranked this low, and I don't think I ever have ranked him below 4th, but the others I have ahead of him actually have better records and he has slipped up a bit lately. But don't take that as a sign of decline- if there is one guy who has the drive to win it all, it's Frank. Despite his shenanigans and some no-shows, he is probably the biggest threat to win it. I'm certain this guy will be 200% come playoff time and is definitely a favorite.


4. Cereal_Killer (5-1)
CK has been rolling and is the current champ. He easily got by Frank in his first title defense & beat a streaking J-Mercy. He's rolling on all cylinders right now and that could mean trouble for anybody come playoffs. He has another tough bout with zygote this week, but I can easily see CK finishing the season as champ & possibly getting a #1-2 seed.


3. Zombie (5-0)
This guy literally took the league by storm and held his own during his short run. Plus he went out as champion. I'm not sure if he is going to participate in the playoffs, since he hasn't participated in a couple weeks. If he does sign up, look out. Outside of Frank, he probably is a heavy favorite as well to take it all. We'll see after next week.


2. oats (9-3)
oats had a long reign of being champion this season, started off 8-0 with a couple successful title defenses under his belt. I believe he will definitely participate in the playoffs. He is one of the most polished writers and his run earlier this season proves he can hold it down against any string of competitors. With the bit of time he has been out of the league one can only wonder if that break in writing could hurt him a bit.


1. zygote (11-3)
He has the best record in the league and is the only competitor with double digit victories. All of his wins have come against solid competition. He can write in any style and despite the quick posts of his pieces, still comes out with victories. zygote is my darkhorse to win it all. And who wouldn't root for him to do so? He is a dangerous threat to face in the playoffs. He deserves this ranking due to the consistency to which each piece displays and we all know he can beat anybody. Watch for him.



PREDICTIONS/
LISTEN UP by Certain






Looking Forward
BUBBLE WATCH by King Ra.
The Sun god rises again with a look at who needs to do what in order to get into the playoffs.


Two more wins needed: cyph her (2-1), Bladed Thesis (2-0), Soulstice (2-4)
cyp her can all but assure herself a spot by finishing out with a victory this week in the contendership, and a victory in the final champ match of the season the following. Certain has been up & down this season, so she can definitely take advantage. Maybe she can slide in winning one & losing one, but Certain mentioned last week it'd be a bit difficult for a 3-win competitor to easily get in, so winning back to back will solidfy a spot, especially with a champion to her credit. Bladed Thesis definitely needs to win out more than likely as well, & it wouldn't hurt getting in at 4-0 either. A win-lose scenario would make it questionable. Soulstice can definitely get in winning the last two weeks. A loss this week or next week will probably oust him. patrown is in a similar position & he is up against Bladed this week. Going to be very tough for him, but he has the capability to make something happen. Needs to definitely win out though. I feel all 4 have a good chance to sneak in, cyph her & Thesis the higher %. CHANCES TO GET IN: cyph her, 40%; Bladed Thesis, 40%; Soulstice, 10%; patrown, 10%..


After those 4, things are crazier. There are 24 competitors that are eligible for the playoffs. Outside of those I have in the top-10, and the 4 I mentioned, there are 10 other competitors who are competing for a spot. I doubt Pinot will show up & even if he did, 3-2 would be very slim of getting in (in the event he participates in week 16 & wins). Ink is 3-1, but he has been busy with his book. So here's my breakdown of the others jockeying for position.


Trying to seal position: Johnathan Mercy (4-3), Certain (4-4), Just Write (4-4), Split Eight (3-3), YDK (3-4).
I left out Pinot & rhetoric because I doubt they are going to participate, and if they did, they would have very slim chance of qualifying unless some of the others don't sign up. Outside of the top-10, 6 spots are opened and the four I mentioned already have a chance, but those who can seal a position based off wins probably can keep them out. Mercy & Certain both have four wins, and probably also definitely earn spots as well. Just Write has four wins, but has been non existent of late so it's hard to tell whether he'd participate in the playoffs. YDK & Split Eight both have 3-wins, and can possibly lock in spots with victories if they participate the final week. It'll be interesting to see how everything turns out after week 16.


With all that said, now here are my predictions for first-round seedings and matchups:

1. Cereal_Killer vs. 16. Soulstice
2. zygote vs. 15. cyph her
3. Frank vs. 14. Certain
4. oats vs. 13. Johnathan Mercy
5. Zombie vs. 12. Bladed Thesis
6. Vulgar vs. 11. timeless
7. El Pancake vs. 10. Adonis
8. Vividlyvague vs. 9. King Ra.


Daft Punk Is Playing At My House
CONCLUSION by Certain


Thanks to King Ra. and Zenland for their excellent work. Let's have a great week with a ton of talented writers in the fold.