The concept you employed here was original and the highlight of the verse (to me, at least). I also appreciate your somewhat simplistic approach as you managed to strike the balance of direct language/accessible lyricism and the overarching narrative quite well. The simpler patterns, in fact, aided the concept to be the focal point here. While the ending was somewhat predictable, given it's a 'closed' narrative with linear structures and references, it made for a very interesting read.
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