I wasn’t so sure on the wording of ‘rarest of sub-waste’ but I did find the scheme to my liking. I enjoy seeing people toy with words in this way, it has an almost stream-of-consciousness feel to it. The development unfolds naturally, even if some of the wording doesn’t feel that way here, but I think you have a strong grasp on the mechanics behind what you’re doing and it’s now more a case of you building on that foundation you have and honing your skill set to elevate your writing even further. The second verse, in particular, read a lot more naturally and that gave it a fluidity reminiscent of Certain, very high calibre writing indeed. This is probably the best I’ve read by you.
Keep that pen moving!
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