[Split]

Originally Posted by Soulstice

We were destined for shore. Until the deep blue flail of God
Assailed us as we sailed along - On the beach I laid. In my mind
I felt my faith in decline. Staid, like a shipwreck awaiting the tide.

Decent opener. Nothing snagged my attention, but it was up to/ above par.

We designed this together. Decided to chase the horizon forever

Fantastic wording and concept. Choosing futility.

Between separate cerulean planes stretched a beauty explained
By sirens inflecting. We never realized that youth had a human constraint
As the lovely blue grew deeper, and strange.

Cooler. Imagining, from your first line break onwards, friends or lovers pushing a boat off the coast and hopping on, and making for the open sea.

Whispers of mutiny
Ran down your neck - I saw by days iridescent eulogy, the sun drowned to death.
You left a piece of yourself at each port of call - as my world dissolved
Into wharfs and rocks. Or wherever starboard's adjacent.

I don't think you wanted this to have a concrete translation. It could mean many things. The narrator beginning to resent his relationship and grow jealous, while the narrator's compatriot left him more and more often, and came back with less and less shared only with the narrator. The last two lines above were my favorite from any verse in quite a long time.

My captains quarters were locked. You stargazed. Dreamt of a carnal replacement.
Then the depths unleashed it's terrible weaponry, left us for destiny
And at this point we both thought.. why rescue a memory?

In my mind, it's solidified that you're discussing two lovers. I think you should have ended the verse here.

On the beach I spotted a ghost ship, materializing to definite form.
A femme fatal had me welcomed aboard. I trembled and warned of terrible storms.
But neverthless I believed what she said. We were destined for shore.

Strong parallels here. Not sure I liked "femme fatale" or the use of a ghost ship, but I respect the conclusion.

Originally Posted by Darth Yoda

a jovial cluster, conjoined by the junctures of serendipity's gaze
colloquial structures, quoted for exquisite toxicity -- translates as ink on a page
Our destination depends, on inclination to fervor, the further we investigate in our nurture
success is painted in red, and as brothers, we're boiling blood that delineates us as persons

Thought the writing was good but the vocab was unnecessarily lofty.

some of us poets. annoyingly unbeknownst to the ballad of colors exposed
if guns become roses, gentle words are gunpowder stemming this cultures explosion
the scariest people. even enraged & unpeaceful..u'd barely see it. we're a cannibis leaf
cus metaphors are loosely based on deceit. we use lies to weed away at our weakness
if we aren't alcoholics, our arid sonnets, are dying stars within a belt

Is this verse about writers?

white dwarf syndrome. how do you hurt a crashing comet that's on the urge to kill itself?
we capture moments better than photographs, enshrined in perfect vignetting respect
dried tear-drops in my moleskin were played off to friends as "urban artistic effect" (how pathetic)
we're destined for pain. dispassionate slaves to the emotions we could never escape
our destination; unpaved. indentured to the roads we bent out of shape
impetuous pace. freaks of nature, impeding danger when a soul brandishes quill
birds of a feather flock together. destination: unknown. and that's when the catalyst kills

I liked your phrases that composed this verse. the urban artistic effect, the guns and roses bit, "brandishes quill", dying stars within a belt.


DY's verse was more effortless, the language more cohesive and satisfying. Soulstice's imagery was more thematic and rewarding in that sense, it felt like pieces of the same puzzle. Both writers had really cool takes on the topic that really ensnared your mind as you read into them, but I personally enjoyed Soulstice's more... it was like an entire journey in the span of a few lines. That, and the couplet of his that was my favorite in a year or something long like that just placed his piece in a higher tier, for me.

great battle.

v/soulstice