[Inno]

The Devil

I don't really get a 60s era vibe from this pic. In my opinion it looks more like the turn of the 20th century. But no biggie. Ding-dong-dokie is weird though. I'm not sure I ever heard the act of sex refered to in that way. It's different for sure. But, yeah, interesting way to begin. It leads me to believe you're about to write about either swingers or some odd orgy held annually near the countryside.

The scheme is nice. You've incoperated alliterations without them reading clunky or heavy-handed. They're seamless. Also, you've maintained strong story progression and content, while still displaying a high level of technical mechanics.

Us 'Mercians don't be using those big ol' words like "salubriously" and "crepuscular", but you used them der correctly and made em fit into the flow without being a distraction. So +1 for the vocab and +2 for the technique. However, as smooth as the writing has been, I did have a tiny issue with "as once dinners ...etc". That line reads a little awkwardly to me. It's probably a regional thing. Perhaps I'm just not used to hearing it put thst way? *Shrugs* . Nice section overall though.

Baron, I'm usually a huge fan of your lexicon. It always amazes me how fitting your vocabulary is in relation to whatever subject you chose to explore. However, in this instance it's not gelling together like it usually does. None of the lingo reads like the 1960s era I'm familiar with. Maybe in a UK time capsule it fits, but I can't speak to that. In fact, I'm starting to think that by "the Sixties" you meant to really imply the 1860s, because that seems to make more sense, especially considering the picture.

Visual. Natural. Classic Baron Mynd.

Maaaaan, what kind of bargin-bin-two-dollars-and-ninety-five-cents-horse-and-Fabio-plastered-on-the-cover-rated-E-for-erotic-content-romance-novels have you been reading, bruh? The congregation would like some answers. lol.

"Pallid lips"??? What is she a corpse. Also, "pernineum"??? That's kind of pornographic, big dawg. We get it. You're an all immersive writer, but gotdamn, pump your breaks. No need to go ALL the way. lol.

Tandoori what??? That's not even like ... a thing. ... or a sexual innuendo. Furthermore, isn't tandoori chicken reddish in color? Thus, are you suggesting she was playing with his bloody anus? Smh. You're on some weird stuff this round, bro. Weird as fuck.

Nah, don't try'n backpeddle now. The damage has been done. Lol.

That's incestuous. Technically "womb mate(s)" would be twins.

This is too much.

Ugh, okay.

So, no, just no. Listen, your one of my all-time favorite topical writers, so I have nothin but love for ya, bruh. BUT, this joint wasn't my cup of tea. I'm cool with mature content (sex, drugs, violence, etc), but you went a little too far and I don't think you took your audience into consideration.This was pure erotica. Like the stuff single moms and desperate housewives read. I can't get jiggy with that. You're an excellent writer with superb mechanics and through your work you've shown us countless times the importance of striking a proper balance between sound devices and story-driven content. However, in this instance you may have gone overboard on the former. The imagery was a bit much, the vocab was overcooked and the alliterations were somewhat overbearing, imho. With that said I give you props for your novel-esque writing skills and your never ending ability to sculpt an entire world from a single picture or phrase. As well as for how you are able to constantly strech your imagination to the max. One thing I can sincerely say, is that no two Diablo pieces are ever the same. This was a cinematic verse, for sure, it's just that I didn't particularly care for the plot.

Subjective

The technical mechanics are flawless. The story however, is a little foggy, thus far that is. Uhmmm I get the sense your character is troubled by his social ascension and does not gell well (emotionally) with the pretentious company he keeps, although, on the suface he struggle to keep the front up, emotionally he's drained and his conscience (I suppose) is now beginning to eat away at him due to many years spent in regret. Of what? I'm guessing will soon find out.

The incoperation of a modern-day pop reference seems out of place when you consider that you're literally depicting the illustration. Thus, by doing so it becomes almost expected that you should set your story in the time-period of the picture you're describing. Unless this story is about time travelers or a costume party, but I don't think that it is.

In any case, I now see the aim of your verse is to flesh out what you feel is actually happening in the pic. In my opinion that maybe too direct of an approach given the artwork, which looks relatively boring. But, who knows, you're a pretty creative writer, so we'll see if you can add some life to the dullness.

"Dreamy" would have been a better way to word it. I think that's what you were going for.

Well, that's recent, but more subtly done and humorous than before. I smirked as I read it.

The wording has taken a dip. There's a lot of rhyming, but the substance is less abundant.

The wording was slightly elevated by that last line, which I liked. Bank sticks out though. I wish you would have paired it with an inner of the same rhyme sound.

As oppooooosed tooooo ... beige??? I don't get it. They're literally all white. That's just filler for the sake of rhyming words.

I think it should read "doesn't". But, yeah, O, you're just rhyming at this point. The the well of substance and originality of has run dry. I think I saw in the chat thread where you mentioned something about having real issues going on, no sleep, stuff like that. So, I give you props for even showing up, but due to circumstance this is obviously nowhere close to your best or from what I can tell, even your usual. It's not bad by any means. But it's also nothing special.

Your mechanics are always sound. Uhmmm I do like the wording in this section a lot more than I did in the previous one. You injected a bit of color and personality here which was nice.

Again, the humor is a nice touch. You're doing a good job outlining these personality types. The problem however is there are too many characters and not enough time to flesh them all out and make them seem real. Let alone, make us care about any of them. It would have been wiser and a better use of your time and talent to have only focused on one or two in the pic, give them a name, a face, a sense of idenity and then a conflict to overcome, while using the others as a means of interaction.

I did like the ether addicted couple though.

"The surface" is correct.

Your mechanics are always sound.

The fact that you took an observer's view as the basis of your story made me as a reader feel disconnected from your content. I was never able to fully immerse myself into your world. Instead, I just felt like I was ... oooooooking at a painting. Idk how to explain it exactly, but uhmmm instead of enhancing the imagery provided you simply described it. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that it was like watching a movie with no thrills, because all the best scense were literally in the trailer. That's what you words were to the picture.

Vote -- Diablo

Reason: Although, I didn't particularly care for the Devil's content it was at least pretty original. The writing itself was strong and it seems like he put more effort and ingenuity into his piece. He wanted it more.

With that said I've seen you both write waaaaaay better than what you posted this week. This match was in no way, shape or form close the best output either of you are capable of producing. Not a bad match for your Average Joes, just not on par with you usual levels of talent. Don't hate me. Lol.