[dead man]

this one is tough for me, cause here's how i see it

Bodey, you wrote something personal and petrifying. it was a deep look at yourself through a perspective on this picture. you mentioned your living situation changed so it seems a bit of the negative emotion associated with that event definitely influenced the way you took this topic. it almost sounds like you kind of used it as a filter for a verse you may have written anyway. it had a lot of evocative images, "houses of arguments that never took place", "vine around your neck" to detail this bit of introspection that ventures on the border of self gratifying, but more an assertion of self-doubt based on your past.
so, here's the issue. i liked this verse, as a piece of writing, more than i liked adverse's submission. the cadence of the 1st submission seemed to drag on uncomfortably and by the time i could picture the things you were describing i had kind've lost my rhythm. the story was well-defined in its arc and theme but the execution felt sloppy and some of the actual rhyme choices were questionable. slant rhymes and creative pronunciation on these things are great, and not rhyming is sometimes better, but a forced word is like a brick in a wall that doesnt really fit. its inconsequential at first glance but compromises the whole foundation. as far as the positives. it was a cool story of apocalypse and rebirth and rediscovery. it felt a bit book of eli if you know what i mean. so that was cool. and you told your story very well. it was properly paced and interesting. and, once i finished it i scrolled back up to the picture and i could see it perfectly. it felt right. for that reason alone, i've gotta hand it to

ADVERSE

thanks guys