Seymour, these were the standout lines of your verse..
he climbs slowly, then reckons with the length of his rope
this Last Judgement's fluttering veil...questioning the strength of his hope
the drifting snow: monochromatic crystals blanketing bliss
as an earsplitting tempest - shrieks suddenly in this baffling mist
...it rises with his breath's imperceptible, gradual hiss.
Behold! The disquieting splendor of this heavenly aspect
Portends an unknown. Cosmic malevolence beckoning madness
...he leaps, learning the depth of a second's compactness -
Float.
He notes each transcendent geometry suspended in space
as every single belief he ever held commences to break
the veracious precision of life: immense is its face
and Jean-Paul Chevalier recognizes - he can amend his mistakes
sensing Adelaide rocking nearby as she ascends into flakes
she's swinging softly. A gentle otherworldly pendulum's trace, when suddenly -
a horde of spirits sinister announce their menacing wake.
Stretched shadows hum a rising, barren melody great
the eerie tune blooms - all meaning and mystery bellowing grace...
Richard, these were your standout lines..
My final chapter’s uncompleted but I’m asking you to read it
Neither pastor nor the deacon could succeed to pacify my demons
Nay, I can’t provide the reasons for my sullen, morbid state
It’s like my mind’s horrid estate was tended to by Norman Bates
The chorus sang, I kneeled and prayed, but failed to seize the day
My shortcomings get more crushing and soul sucking every day
Wish this fettered state was swept away by the heavy weight of a trebuchet
this bar was dope af
Suppress the rage and stress impatiently, wishing all this was done
But I’m too proud to take the pills, too scared to swallow the gun
Plus it’s a godless affront to the omniscient one who gave us breath
So I’ll wait, bereft, until fate collects its gainly bet on my tainted flesh
With waning strength, and unease I fight the struggle to sleep at night
As I sway through these days between the branches on the tree of life
Conclusion: Seymours strengths were the narrative approach he took to the topic and attention to detail, along with solid rhyming structure and multi use intertwined. Richards strengths were more simplistic by the way he constructed an easy enjoyable read with metaphors for a bit of a funny twist to a serious topic, combined with cleverly placed multi rhyme scheme usage
Seymour took this with a more impactful rendition of the topic. Props to both for great reads
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