SEYMOUR - great submission. i will air my grievances with the verse first and foremost. your adjective and adverb usage to complete your rhymework is being overdone. the end of so many lines consist of an adjective/noun combo (ex. first 4) it becomes redundant to read. the adverb could use some restraint as well. writing something like 'presently crawls' is far beneath your skill level at this point. stretch your language a bit further if you can. you have the vocabulary and written talent to draw us in much further than you are here. in all honesty, this felt more like a study in descriptive verbiage more than a topical final verse. however you did the picture justice and then some with your snapshot into the suicide of Jean-Paul, a man who sees his dead daughter flash before his eyes at the moment of his death. very visceral and cool to read. i would even say fun, as strange as it sounds in this context. i like a few key details most. Adelaide gripping his neck at the moment of death was fantastic imo. i imagined her as the rope itself. to be more precise, her loss of life being the reason he decided to make that noose in the first place. great from a framework's perspective but need to tighten up some writing habits that are less advantageous competitively.
richard schwartz - fuck man. you had me latched at first. a glimpse into the suicidal minded man, a la pictorial cue. straight forward and well done. solid as a rock but certainly no diamond yet. something did not feel necessarily genuine or honest about this. i think it was all your allusions and similes which were entertaining and clever (in part) but almost served to soften your overall tonal message. there was no connectedness, and far too many semi-dope punchlines about your depressive state. however there were some major highlights rhyme-wise
Quote:
|
Wish this fettered state was swept away by the heavy weight of a trebuchet
|
which i really enjoyed. also, i could've sworn i've seen that snail/sluggish line in a joke book somewhere at some point. idk. to be clear, it was a good verse. on topic, technically sound as could be. just lacking any OOMPH factor that i admittedly expect from a tournament finals submission.
for this reason, though i am highly critical of both verses for different reasons, i have to award this one to SEYMOUR BUTTS by a fairly slim margin.
thanks guys
1