I fed myself misappropriated truths to use against my own self doubt and hatred
And if you were to strip away the smile I faked when I look at the photos I've taken
You would notice the emotionless scars that I left on my arms and I would be staring back at you fully clothed yet naked.
I have the gall to think you wouldn't be appalled at the first sound of "I love you" leaving my lips
Because you would know I chose to say it to you before I've said it to myself since I was a kid.
I mean shit!
Why would you believe a word that I said when all the verbs in my head couldn't describe the things I would do for you,
Even though you're absolutely beautiful...
It would be for my own self important enjoyment
Because the smile on your face means more than the fractured semblance staring back at me in the mirror each morning.
Why should you be a higher priority than the former me?
Reclaiming my boyish dreams of sports teams or rap labels adoring me!
It all seems so trivial now.
It took a lot of self diagnoses to figure ME out,
While I lack the gratitude, and get smacked with the attitudes of those same old pictures of me...wow....
I assume you realize that the facts are uglier than the acne covered middle school portraits,
Hidden in my mother's purse and tucked away inside the China cabinet cupboards,
I've used my smile to hide the hideous just to make you think that my eyes are gorgeous.
Because the lies i tell myself are just a form of avoidance.
But i expected you to care;
I expected you to care about somebody that hasn't cared about themself for years.
What kind of helpless, weird, selfish, teary eyed asshole would even count the amount of fears,
That he's hidden inside a mountain of peers;
And think that YOU wouldn't discount him like the rest?
It was never a test.
I just wanted to be the one that you didn't regret
But i regret even thinking that
Because for you to regret me means that eventually you would have left me.
So I guess indirectly I always knew that there was a chance that you would forget me
And me suggesting not regretting me only made the turn about come faster than if you had never even met me.
It hurts my soul to know that I can love other people easier than i can be true to the inner me,
Even when love is within reach
I grasp frantically until I push it away unwittingly
And I'm left here waiting willingly
Because this self loathing is my inner peace.
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