YDK, this was just ok for me. The rhyme scheme at the start seemed over the top, and then it just tailed off into monosyllables at the end. Maybe it was by design, but it felt like you just lost interest. The story didn't really paint an engaging picture either - ignoring society's gaze, finding inner peace - kinda ho hum for me.
Adonis,started off a little rocky for me... misspelled word in the 2nd line which usually irks me and keeps me from fully engaging in the verse. I agree with Timeless that this felt like "free verse"... there are things in there that I just have trouble with
Quote:
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Dead humanoids mean less evil; alarmed?
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This is so strangely worded - certainly you mean 'humans' as 'humanoid' would include cyborgs and aliens and shit, which I don't think is what you're getting at. Like, I would draw out the idea that people are inherently evil and our deaths, though seemingly sad, are in ways good things because of the damage we can do. I would expand on that idea instead of trying to cram all that meaning into 6 words.
Quote:
Taste the depth, the fiscal cycle of breath.
Each check riled in debt.
Bitter conquest – this putrid, vile regress,
Currently siphoning jest through eyelids perplexed.
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Here, I don't think anybody would use the term 'cycle of breath' or describe that concept as something fiscal. It seems too improperly worded to get into. I also am confused as to why someone would need to siphon jest... also, how can eyelids be perplexed? They're just skin flaps. I think in an effort to create a scene, you've over-worded things here and it led to confusion.
I mean, I wasn't blown away by either entries, it was like over-simplicity vs over-complication. I think I gotta lean to YDK just on the basis of clarity.