Quote:
Originally Posted by Certain
kannon: You told this story very cleanly, but I think you could have done a lot more to humanize the relationship instead of giving us the generics. The one half-line that really got me in that regard was "our relationship kinda changed." In something this short, I value the details more than the overview, but I know others feel the opposite. The other issue I had with this verse was the sentimentality. My grandmother died last year, and we were pretty close. But the last line and the "Knowing all that mattered" line were cheesy, saccharine. Again, I think there are ways to get those points across without being so direct and blunt and obvious. But these points are made in holding this verse to a high standard. You had a good approach to the topic and wrote crisply and completely. It was very direct, though, and I think a subtler touch might be a better move as we advance. Keep in mind that as tournaments go on, the voting tends to become more advanced because the best writers survive.
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I generally don't reply to votes, but since this won't change anything, who cares, right?
This was autobiographical. My grandmother died last year too, and this was a brief look at the final conversation we had. We were really close when I was younger, but after high school, I moved across the country. I didn't see her for a long while. When I moved back to California, I moved to a different city, so I was still making excuses to not come visit. She felt guilty because she thought she didn't try hard enough to keep that connection. I felt guilty because I knew I had made excuses and not seen her as much as I should have. But I literally laid in bed with her and held her while she cried and told her that none of that mattered at this moment. Maybe it's cheesy, but sometimes life is cheesy I guess.