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Eŋg · 01-05-2014, 03:34 PM

the syntax in this bothered me a bit, coupled with your strange treatment of grammar, on which i wouldn't comment if not for several readings of your less rhyme-centric poetry where you focus heavily on punctuation, to the point of over-zealousness, even. the extended rhyme scheme to begin the first stanza was impressive, but imperfect, and 'ruger's lid' didn't work for me. your transitions were (uncharacteristically?) clunky if i'm honest with you; but the final five lines of the first segment/separate endorsements onward was done well. tempestuous auspice is a curious phrase. i enjoyed your wording there.

as is typical of your writing, there are some profound one-liners bolstered by an almost inimitable ability to conjure bizarre imagery. game of tetris is border-less was nice. that said, a couple of lines lost me:

Oral quarrels borne from reddened Orvilles torn from the Reuter's list

Code of Hammurabi table of contents necessary for burning

the first one was just idk what this means. i just can't. the second not so much, the use of table threw me a bit but i took it to be a bastardized tablet, which works. still that line reads off to me. i also have no idea what a Sneffling is? while i understand one of your strengths is pulling a myriad of references, ostensibly unrelated, and slinging them together with some top-notch rhyming and conceptual energy, i thought the Foo Fighters' one stuck out, poorly. rhyme with too-tightened/blue-lichened well enough, though. the mention of Verne i thought inevitable with your title, no problem there. the Howl/Calcifer part was potentially misplaced, but i like that book (and film, i think) so i have bias. also, i believe it's Vipassana. with an accent or something i'm not sure how to alter the language on my keyboard. why is the knight called Orion? i thought up about four reasons. none are right, probably.

this wasn't your best work. but your best work is of a very high standard -- you can't always live up to that legacy. even Fyodor fell from grace after tapping to Werdum. you're alright. i don't think this was a defeat, just a bit lacklustre imo. still pretty good and an interesting read, all the same. i feel like you have enough humility to know i wouldn't feed you like this out of spite or anything. i think everyone needs to be kept on their toes. a bit.

pz.

01-05-2014, 03:34 PM	#3
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,146 Rep Power: 0	the syntax in this bothered me a bit, coupled with your strange treatment of grammar, on which i wouldn't comment if not for several readings of your less rhyme-centric poetry where you focus heavily on punctuation, to the point of over-zealousness, even. the extended rhyme scheme to begin the first stanza was impressive, but imperfect, and 'ruger's lid' didn't work for me. your transitions were (uncharacteristically?) clunky if i'm honest with you; but the final five lines of the first segment/separate endorsements onward was done well. tempestuous auspice is a curious phrase. i enjoyed your wording there. as is typical of your writing, there are some profound one-liners bolstered by an almost inimitable ability to conjure bizarre imagery. game of tetris is border-less was nice. that said, a couple of lines lost me: Oral quarrels borne from reddened Orvilles torn from the Reuter's list Code of Hammurabi table of contents necessary for burning the first one was just idk what this means. i just can't. the second not so much, the use of table threw me a bit but i took it to be a bastardized tablet, which works. still that line reads off to me. i also have no idea what a Sneffling is? while i understand one of your strengths is pulling a myriad of references, ostensibly unrelated, and slinging them together with some top-notch rhyming and conceptual energy, i thought the Foo Fighters' one stuck out, poorly. rhyme with too-tightened/blue-lichened well enough, though. the mention of Verne i thought inevitable with your title, no problem there. the Howl/Calcifer part was potentially misplaced, but i like that book (and film, i think) so i have bias. also, i believe it's Vipassana. with an accent or something i'm not sure how to alter the language on my keyboard. why is the knight called Orion? i thought up about four reasons. none are right, probably. this wasn't your best work. but your best work is of a very high standard -- you can't always live up to that legacy. even Fyodor fell from grace after tapping to Werdum. you're alright. i don't think this was a defeat, just a bit lacklustre imo. still pretty good and an interesting read, all the same. i feel like you have enough humility to know i wouldn't feed you like this out of spite or anything. i think everyone needs to be kept on their toes. a bit. pz.