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i sat in the dark. you meant to ask me a question
halfway suggested that it was something important. i mean
who could afford the state of being that you covet
she, who struggles with boredom, pacing her floor
at war with contentment. we are. it feels like nothing before
breathe deeply paint fume 2-car garage, corporate embargofat wife
where we went wrong. faint, be my heart. help me relate
it's only been a year. i still remember your face
secular native voodoo daisy, planting your roots
starry-eyed, billie jean jacket digital youth
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Your fragmented imagery reminds me of Nas -- flashbacks, scattered scenes, random but significant moments that transverse time to bring context and understanding to the present happening and circumstance. It's intriguing stuff. A technique I often employ. But I admire how you've done it here. The romance seemed true. The love was there, but a longing for something more or perhaps different (new) was also evident.
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analog pursuit melodia symphonic in dreams
His masterpiece on envelopes & scraps of receipt
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Which come in handy for sudden bouts of inspiration.
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mutilation en masse. it's human nature to scream
the culmination of collective greed, your excellencyfat wife
at war with resentment. dissemination of seed
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So much of this comes across as being abstract in language and left open for interpetation that I'm having a hard time following your exact train of thought. At least in relation to a linear story. However, your poetic phrasing is still very much appreciated and appealing.
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collective goals collapsing miscellaneouslyfat wife
all in a week. how do you say - a day in your feet?
ah, a walk in your shoes. stairsteps left incomplete
what are the odds. talking to god for nobody's sake
he told me the same. you're apple trees i'm rotary blades
copa cabana, we slept where nobody stayed
seance candles, soul awakened, home on the range
Topher Grace. pack bowls in your basement. Billy Ocean tapes
so they say. we're heading back towards home today.
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Again, the fragmented imagery is captivating. Tiny shards that make up a stained glass image of a much larger tale.
Overall: I really dug they way you put this piece together -- the flashbacks, the obscure and pop culture references, the nostalgia invoked and the heart and poetic voice you wrote it all in. The end result was something that read true and authenic.
Also, your mechanics and transitional flow were both fluid and on point the entire read.
Props, man. This was truly dope.
Peace.