Quote:
Originally Posted by Split
okay, the flow was nice (especially the syllable rhyming), as was the scheming. but the wording/delivery and word choice felt unnatural
what i quoted ^^ was very very confusing to me, and the bolded parts were incomprehensible
the way you explained it in response to Lexicon made a lot of sense, so it's almost like you have a reverse allegory here. like instead of having meaning shine through a story, you have a story shining through condensed meaning. i can already see some of your influences.
just my thoughts, you have good vocab and a good sense of rhyming. keep writing
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I'll explain the part you quoted, but i understand that its not good on my part to have to do that lol
Now, I've established that the idea was I'm in relationships with girls for the memories i can acquire. Basically, the girls are disposable. So i want the energy given off from the source, while dismissing the source itself. That's the whole sun thing. So basically I'm treating relationships as a business type venture, where I invest (I accidentally used infest but i liked its feel so i kept it) time in them, and when they end, I expect my share of compensation (memories).
Anyways, the Twain claimed line is a reference to a well know Mark Twain quote when he says there is no laughter in heaven. This establishes the whole ying and yang representation of life. That there is no pain without laughter, life without death etc. but in the memories I hold onto, this equilibrium is non existent. So when i reflect on these moments, i dismiss what the tone was (e.g. sad, lustfull, positive) and strip it down to enjoy what it is, a sensation, and one that I'll hold onto for the rest of my days.
I will be working on comprehension better in the future though. This was a learning experience.