You missed a [ before /CENTER] at the end, that’s why the BB code hasn’t worked but I don’t think you really needed it here other than to make it look pretty from an aesthetic perspective.
The topic image was an odd choice, I felt, it leaves quite a lot open to interpretation within it but it’s not really my sort of topic. People will tell you a good writer will write to anything and make it dope, but I can’t say this one would have really appealed to me. It’s definitely more of a Deadman type abstract picture to write to so it’s a shame he noshowed here. Regardless, let’s get into this right quick...
I liked that you opened with the rhyme scheme you did in those first three lines before switching it up in the fourth. I am a big fan of toying with rhyme scheme and that element isn’t lost on me, what I liked about it (and your writing in general) is that you do enough to show you have a good grasp of what you’re doing without beating the reader over the head with it to the point it distracts from the content of the verse (or worse still, have the content suffer as a result of investing so much in the rhymes). The fact you have the ability to do it but the self restraint to reign it in and use it sparingly shows you’re adept in what you do. The style is quite honed, even if people here may be largely unfamiliar with you, though for what it’s worth I did find the female calling herself “very pregnant” a little odd. Lol. I could imagine “heavily pregnant” or even just “pregnant” being said but very pregnant seemed an unnatural turn of phrase to use (to me). Baby on the brain/crazy and insane reminded me of Jay-Z on Crazy In Love as I read it. The one thing I noted while reading is your rhyme placement, a good example here is the line:
Quote:
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so without a question I'm depressed while dispensing all this wine-
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Where, even though there’s not a multi-syllable internal used, the QUEST/PRESSED/SPENS sound helps give the line a rhythmic cadence or implied rhythm that makes up for it and carries the flow along nicely. It may not be as noticeable from a technical standpoint, but I can see why it was used (and it works) I just thought highlighting some of the more subtle/less obvious tools on display here might help some of the other guys that may read this understand why it’s done. It has more of an audio feel to it rather than standard text because it that, and helps the perceived ‘flow’ to the piece come off nicely as a result.
I wasn’t as fond of the “bowling pins” mention as it took me out of the piece somewhat in truth. I understand the bowled/bold attempt but the play on words was almost you trying something clever when there wasn’t a need for it. You were doing well, I’d have stuck with what worked, the “rock at my side but I haven’t kissed him in weeks,” was a nicer touch and better yard stick to put up as a sign of your potential here. I think that was much better, it was more relevant to the backstory you were developing, it has a punchline-esque quality to it but was still very much in-keeping with the rest of the verse thus far. You showed more of your technical ability nearer the end by keeping the same multi string going; at a point it worked but I felt when you got to “hardest erection” then the balance between sacrificing content for mechanics was crossed. The wording on the “sore vagina” felt out of place given the writers voice and tone that preceded it. It made it feel rather childish and adolescent, to me, due to its wording when we had already established this wasn’t a petulant teenager but a married woman - and one with child no doubt, so clearly she had a mental maturity above and beyond that, feel me? The closing line, with the twist, was unexpected (to me at least) so I did like that here even if I did somewhat pick the technical side of this piece open somewhat.
As I said, it’s a shame Deadman noshowed really, I think he would have revelled in having the image provided and put forth something of his usual dope standard to compete here. This could have been a good battle.
Keep that pen moving!