[sral]

Originally Posted by brokenhal0

eye in the sky im looking ahead of goodbyes
three facing two i feel the love rising inside
its like a drug im too high in my mind
i feel like im flying in time
sailing beyond a proprietors sky
a ship of immaculate design

I like how naturally this reads and flows, all coming together, the use of proprietors and its immaculate design is cool too.

floor made of pine stern made of oak
engine made of gold body of light
only then I could float

This bit confused me slightly, the engine being gold and your enlightened body could be you as some kind of metaphor here. Your heart of gold, maybe? Your religion or plain old good morals could be what's guiding you on your journey. It reads more self-reflective than you just writing to what's in the picture, and I enjoy how you've transcended the topic, or so it seems.

mountain temple subconscious moat
alligators and trolls buried treasure
i mapped them holes....

set sail for high hopes
my eye floats
inside divine spokes
i write that hydro
for high ghost yea i know
attention is short and lifes slow
inside all seeing eye's grow

I liked the "set sail for high hopes" because I think we all do that. Jumping in feet first, excited, not knowing the outcome of new ventures. The rhyming here from a technical standpoint is improved from earlier on, it reads almost train-of-thought wise while you were going and has a natural fluidity to it. MMLP had the edge from a technical standpoint, but I did enjoy that you came with the multies here. "I write that hydro" felt somewhat out of place midverse but other than that I was with it.

a beating heart and a live soul
so i fly bold above streets and stores
between peaks and gorge
deep valleys where streams contour

My fave lines so far, by far, from you. This was dope. Gorge could maybe have been pluralised, but that's a minor point, streams contour was a dope multi also. You really upped it here from how you started off initially.

grass so tall no basketball rim
can be seen from floor my ship sees it all
a man wonders seeming lost
dogs howl and lobsters eat fecal moss
connected with 4 faces unglued
as a farmers plants his food
our fathers pray to offer dues
mother breast feeds near small monsoons
anaconda's sliver like quicksilver in a glass maze
a rain cloud burst thunder for the last days
better get that bag weighed..

Again here, I wasn't so sure this was about you personally like I first thought, but it could be. I envisoned a drug dealer, maybe, with how the "mother" supplies the smaller beings. The snakes being those turning against you. The thunder burst being gun shots, possibly, and the 'get that bag weighed' had obvious conoctations. I could be wrong, but thats what I gleaned from it.

my purpose is to call it first
your world is all reversed
i saw it merge with forces above the earth
but my body's like kill him worse
he hurt us all lucifers fall
fill up my tank in Jupiters hall
im the coolest of all
mystic mansion sailing on starboard bow's
inhale the expanding winds
breathe of spirit guides the course
but no mini golf fan can catch this spin...

"I'm the coolest of all" seemed out of place here, almost braggodocio flexing mid verse to me, which is good for Open Mic but feels odd in this competitive format. You know? The last four again seemed very relevant, I even enjoyed the mini golf fan line at the end which was more punchline-like than we usually see in these leagues. Thanks for dropping @brokenhal0

After those two lengthy breakdowns, I feel like MMLP has the win here with more technical skills shown right throughout - where hal0 had some patches where he was off and on - I also liked brokenhal0's more abstract and metaphorical take to his picture that made it self-reflective (or at least, to me) but the direct transition of MMLP's take and how he built up this weird scenario around it showed the more creativity and originality (to me) even if I did feel a bit lost towards the end, it wasn't enough lines to the point where I didn't feel I had any idea what was going on, and aside from that point his verse had more qualities I look for and strive toward in my own writing so for that reason I have him winning this week.

Good battle, guys! Hope you appreciate the feedback! The guys that no-showed really missed out this week because you won't find this amount of feedback anywhere on the site, even in the OM forum, so it's well worth sticking around. Keep those pens moving!