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Old 02-15-2019, 06:47 AM   #4
sral
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@MMLP This started off pretty dope, tbh. I think the writing and technical skill and scheming were top notch quality wise for the most part. It reads pretty clean up until the final third. Your full stops and comma use are annoying, I tend to read the commas and full stops as pauses whereas it reads like you continue straight into the next line at times. It's a very minor thing, but one to be mindful of I feel. There's stuff I'd do differently, like in here for example:

Quote:
I thought it was love in just a matter of weeks.
A summer of lust that had passed with the breeze,
was gathering speed and wouldn’t be stopped.
I see why you used the opener as a sentence, with the next two almost used as one continuation, but rather than the comma at the end of that second line - what it needed to read like is "A summer of lust, that had passed with the breeze, was gathering speed and wouldn't be stopped."

Do you see that?


Quote:
Amassing some steam as if nothing was wrong.
With our wonderful bond we sealed with a kiss
to the autumn beyond through the clearing of mist.
I felt 'autumn beyond' sat awkwardly here. It's a tough one to rhyme off with the scheme above it, so I see why it was done entirely, I just think it made the line feel clunky. It needed wording differently or another rhyme used entirely IMHO. I'd have probably dropped the "With" and "we" from that line to make it "Our wonderful bond sealed with a kiss". The use of "bond" and "sealed" works well as they're almost synonyms, so the wordplay works.


Quote:
Tides appearing to shift with the settling of rain
eyes reeling adrift from that predatory gaze.
Predatory gaze makes it sound like a paedophile. Just saying.

Quote:
The celibacy came and went, as we rolled onto the bed,
temperatures remained with the clothes’ tossed overhead.
It was so hot, the suspense! I could’ve burst into flames,
I was thrown off by the scent but undeterred to delay.
LOL @ celibacy coming and going. "Rolled onto the bed/clothes tosses overhead" was good. I hated the pause between "So hot, the suspense!" largely because I read the commas as a pause or a break, definitely don't read them as if it's one run-on sentence like intended. This is probably your strongest section we get into now.

Quote:
Her assertive ways had upped shenanigans
with a thirst for a race she could run a marathon.
Assertive ways/thirst for a race seems a syllable out. It could be how I say it, it reads like a misstep though. The idea of thirst/race/marathon was another subtle wordplay I enjoyed. it's almost punchline-esque, but very short and succinct and I liked that. A standout line for sure.


Quote:
Abrupt yet, happy when having our wrestling feuds
as more unravelling showed her selective moods.
I wasn't overly keen on this couplet, seemed like you left the scheme, but you pick it up back right after:

Quote:
Those protective duties shone in the mist of the rage
but her unprecedented beauty was beginning to fade.
I made it my mission to gauge what she liked in a man.
As suspicions were raised after her pints with the lads.
So one night in her flat I chose to start looking about.
My mind was scattered and smothered with doubt
I hunted around and noticed a buzzing.
Wandering downstairs to the closet I rummaged
Roaming the cupboard to find a securely measured box
Then opened the front and I saw a fleshy COCK!??!
The build up to this is very good, I wasn't so keen on "pints with the lads" in truth, I feel you could have used something better there but it definitely wasn't bad at all, I'm just being critical because you took the time to put something forward. I got to "fleshy cock" and was just like WTF?! Left turn out of nowhere. I didn't expect that at all.


Quote:
To my unsuspecting horror and nightmares confirmed,
the underbelly slotted in and finely preserved.
"To my unsuspecting horror and nightmares confirmed" doesn't work alllllllllll of the way because it would have to equate to "to my nightmares confirmed"do you see that? It needed something like "To my unsuspecting horror I had my nightmares confirmed" small switch, but makes it read more naturally. I wasn't sure at all what you meant by underbelly, was it a tranny? Surely not.


Quote:
Terrifying silence emerged and it was hell, resurrected
I was lifeless, submerged in a shell left dejected,
I found myself second guessing what was in that portable icebox.
Which now begs the question, should I run? or should I stop?
WYD?
I'm still not sure what I just read. Did she cut his penis off? Is the guy dating a woman that was formerly a male (like the underbelly thing suggests) and keeping her old cock in her icebox? Thats what I got from it. The what would you do was a fun way to end things. Dope writing for the most part, few kinks here and there but easily remedied if you go back with a toothcomb and look at it.
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Last edited by sral; 02-15-2019 at 07:19 AM.
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