[QUOTE=Objective;801699]Raised to be driven by the wind
The bridge between the mountain peaks
meet seasons with astounding breeze.
Each year is fleeting by so calmly here,
no pain or fear...
Just time, the sky and our atmosphere.
I liked this actually, opening lines were remarkably compact while still doing a lot within the framework.
Hours clocking freedom moves
Great description is just four lines.
for Beth with sassy dancing shoes.
She tip toes lightly at the centre stage,
no right or wrong for her playful drake.
The balance of the shifting wind
Again here, I’m a fan of the imagery you’re conjuring up. You’re “showing” the reader what’s happening rather than simply telling them - there’s a huge difference between the two - your descriptive language is really shining.
is filled with tension
(it's even drifting filth within)
A rift! A tear! The descent appears
to leave behind her smiles ascension.
The smiles ascension was another standout wording wise, very crisp and succinct.
She reels it in with quick and simple taps,
but the rope start twitching, then it snaps!
Funny just how life appears
to be so safe, and soft and sound,
when any trip or push and scare
could take her to the grassy ground.
The drake that once was windy love
is now found somewhere down below.
She ran home to her fathers grace
whom told her of the better days.
Then crafted her a new to use,
that works with force and mild abuse.
Now;
See her glide through seasons with astounding breeze,
with drake in hand at the bridge between the mountain peaks.
I think this tied-back around to one of the stronger sections well, giving the piece a cyclic feel, with things coming full circle. I’m a fan of that over the typical “happy ending” some stories may have. This was far from it, opting instead for the character to find that even as high as she may soar - ultimately she’s stuck in the same loop of a never ending cycle of abuse (however mild) and in want of escapism. Constantly finding herself wanting.
Vote - Objective
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