Quote:
Originally Posted by Candy
..the sun sonned..
a sonnet from my baby bonnet, my skull splits
low brow lulls swell and break through old told rifts
rafts of keep me afloat from colour purple
hurdle and harness the curfew of heard you
i paint and splish splash within clouds of ash
never letting my brush bash the lost trash
I think your rhyming cadence here shone through (pun always intended) but the onomatopoeic word choices also worked well given the content. It’s easily to overlook that stylistic choice, maybe, but I see what you were doing and in contrast with the painted sun against a dark cloud I thought it worked well. Nice word usage.
of yesterday surrounding, loud noises pounding
virgins vomit honest interpretation promise
the wired wisdom forget wordsmiths comments
work loads reload and fire backfire to drink
the thought of think stings and lift with each blink
a prism of prison's pensioned in pink portions
The alliteration stands out, but “prism of prisons” was a nice visual to accompany those towers seen in the distance here I thought.
ink in fortune stored for future torment
rise and fall by the sun of moon orphaned
the hands of god felt up to down in caution
the clouds they morph in the torrents to its crash
so brass if i fell to the grass the sound would be cash
LOL this was a good idea I thought.
walked the ladder of olden to golden now just smashed
its a lil diddy but it thrashed til collapsed
i must step down for the new growth approaching
through snow and hail, the rain drops still roasting
i dance on a peg so immortal it ascends
my position of prop for all my meats end
the time has come the walrus said to die where i lift
in disorder sure of the long life i lived
one step down from perfection and force worked
now i rest on a seabed of once sure hurt
so bye, the last stroke of a genius choked
i am only happy unknown for the tale untold
..
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The closing lines were some of your strongest there, I especially enjoyed “one step down from perfection,” which was another great visual snippet.
I think the topic itself lent itself well to you both stylistically in how you approach topics, it wouldn’t have been for everybody but you two were able to weave the visual imagery and sentiment into your own works. Stylistically the two of you were actually quite evenly matched in terms of your visuals you created and shorter lined flows which I always appreciate. BH