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Old 11-22-2013, 02:55 AM   #10
PiE
el es a la mode
 
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genocide.. the details of this gives great character description and plot setup with nice fire and narration that's radio easy to follow. the agent, hunter sequences painted the story with nice imagery, but I thought you should of named the main character to personalize it more... would of made me connect with the storyline more. the end was a nice meta that I thought showed some wit and intellect. the narration was better in the beginning, but the story was so well developed that it didn't bother me much. nice job man

Aero... this was ridiculous... I see you're going for the sexual deviant tour in this story, but it's not done well and that's an easy character to develop even with a keyed verse. some basic flow didn't help much either.... the action of the victim waking up was a moment to elevate the verse, but you didn't do too much with that either. the ending was thrown in there just to fit the topic seemingly.. there's a lot of areas to improve on this... just seemed effortless



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