[fraze]

Originally Posted by brokenhal0

Obsessions

"Begin today!'' That's all the note said
as ''Tina'' woke up with the cold sweats
is your door locked? Go check
she sleeps naked but her soles wet
rhyming is on point. soles wet is weird wording tho
3rd time this week a random notes left
she felt it was time to notify police
what kinda of contriving creep
will sneak inside her bedroom twice to peek
dig the rhymes. cool switchup starting this stanza. story is moving
must be someone battling demon ghost
that would leave such notes
There was no indication from where they came
for who or may was it a threat who's to say
flow gets shaky here. 'for who or may was' i have no idea what that means
vibes change as a pigeon landed on the window panes
her tight brains pulsating like migraines but ''Times Saved''
hand written in bright paint Had it been meant for someone else?
who would have to audacity to break in and touch my shelf
nice internal rhyming.
Now Tina's wide awake she put's on her sneakers
and gets startled by a hiding snake
it escaped under the door how could it find its way
looking around the room her minds a haze
snake is following pigeon from earlier. cool development
off meds for 5 days I can't call mom she says the things I say
sound like im loosing screws sideways
For a moment, she thought it was a message from gran'pa lou
he smelled like a zoo before he died of the flu
another animals tie in with zoo. still looking for connection to picture
said honey go follow your dreams guidance is truth
but ultimately she decided it was easier to ignore time while it flew
fighting with dudes delicate tyrant but her mind is abused
as she crumpled up the letters and threw them away
you herd the muffle of a stalkers silent chuckle soothe in decay
nice rhymes once again. sometimes you're sacrificing meaning for rhymes. it work better in some places than others. lines you have to decipher to understand lose some of their impact

You know that tingly feeling you get on the back of your neck
like a lines being stepped it hides in your breath
I want to lie in her flesh just another creep hiding instead
touching myself watching her rising from bed
cool perspective shift
tina wasn't like other girls always tired and depressed
when talking with her it's like Im fighting the stress
like untying a knot of wires in a hoarders mess
that's what you get when you place your heart in a hornets nest
cool line ending this section.
we only talk for a few minutes sometimes it's less
behind a register or behind a desk silent cry's for sex
she would never think the love I hides obsessed
one day she will bear my children form is blessed
You know I don't believe in sixth senses
but I sneak in her room every night and place six letters
the stalkers test...
interesting ending. still not sure how this connects to the topic.

enjoyable read. great rhyming, with lots of variety in pace, internal schemes and other technical accents. story telling wasn't as strong, sometimes i have have trouble following what you're trying to say. part of that may be it feels like rhyme is prioritized over coherence. but i still enjoyed it and liked the two perspective story telling. biggest complaint is i didn't find a strong connection to the pic. i can understand the metaphorical connection for a girl with a stalker, but would have liked to see you pull more of the picture into your verse.

Originally Posted by Master Rock

As far back as I could remember in a flash I was struck by the splendor
daydreaming my fantasy, I began speaking them into existence to render
nice rhymes and word choice to start
my thoughts captured by the screen,
I'm mesmerized by the scenes
wishing upon stars for this dream
at night, I lie in my bed I'm envisioning how can a princess blossom into a queen
this is a jarring shift to me going from strong internal rhymes with multis to single syllable end rhymes especially as the bars are getting longer. breaks up the flow and is distracting to me as a reader. but poetically this is cool
as this child I all I wanted flashing lights, paparazzi, and the sound of fan's screams
the spark began to ring when my age was 5 when I began to sing
my family would gather around with their cameras snapping pics and videoing
my song and dance, me in my tutu and butterfly wings,
slant rhyme for videoing/wings a little weird. cool story progression
through performing I love the attention that it brings
the desire to be heard through the karaoke machine
the nagging feeling to be famous went on until I was thirteen
when a man suddenly after my school performance a woman in a dark suit and dark glasses handed me and my family a card and asked, "Would you like to be seen?"
single syllable rhyme scheme slows down the verse. story is picking up
My mother asked, "Excuse me?", the woman replied, "Let me rephrase what I mean.
Our team believes your daughter could be a star we could tell by her gleam. Her performance got and standing ovation unlike we have ever seen."
I was absolutely thrilled, "Please Mom, please Mom!" I beggingly shrilled
more story progression. rhyming feels off here.

"Why not," she said, I'm shocked in disbelief this can't be?
but this was the beginning of when my soul started to peel
I wanted fame and fortune to be part of the industry but I didn't know what it would reveal
I signed a contract not knowing what was concealed
cool. this is starting to pick up with some deeper themes
my body is now a product, a sex symbol to entertain
the toll it takes my spirit begins to drain
the devil of the industry wants to swallow my soul
I feel empty inside they're pulling my strings to control
nice. starting to bring everything back to the picture.
paparazzi track my every move and the tabloids I can't avoid
but now every part of me is in a void
I need a break I can even stand to look at my face
now they worship and praise me as their idol on a pedestal I'm placed
smooth flow. like how you flipped this
take your light off me the tears and soul burst
I need to pull back the curtain in reverse
my emotions are and self-esteem are being cursed
I can't walk down the street without dogs trying to rip my flesh when I meet
I wish I could pull back the light and shade myself from the street
escaping the fire that chars the entirety of my peace
some nice pic tie ins to close.

Nice verse. Rhyming was a little bit up and down, starting off strong, trailing in the middle and picking back up towards the end. Well formed story verse and good job connecting to the picture. Your approach made sense with the image without feeling like too obvious of a direction to go with it. Good job man, one of my favorite verses this week.


Vote: Master Rock I have Rock taking this one with a more well rounded verse. Halo's verse had better rhyming but the story wasn't as polished and the topic connection felt tangential.