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Old 07-24-2019, 12:25 PM   #6
Diablo
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Blue: I find it funny that these guys only associate you with battling because some don’t know about your early forays into topicals. I know. ;-)

The more punchline-esque execution is still evident here from your text battling, it’s clear from the opening couplet (to me) with the body parts line. I enjoyed you mixing up the language somewhat to go with some less conventional word choices, it kept my interest from a reading perspective, and the Big Brother Jules Verne references weren’t lost on me either. There’s times where I can appreciate what you’re doing from a rhyme scheme/mechanics/technical standpoint like this snippet:

Quote:
all has been seen, call it routine. Big Brother ruling our existence
a brolic regime, diabolical schemes. clemency eschewing with insistence
but in focusing so much on trying to emphasise what you’re doing scheme wise with the commas and periods, it created a kind of stop-start to the line as I read it (it could just be me) that affected how I perceived it to flow in my head. Just something you might want to consider going forward. The writers amongst us have done this long enough to see what you’re doing without the need for pauses and whatnot to highlight it. I do enjoy your brief turns in the topical realm, as I tend to with most battlers, largely because I find them refreshing to read when coupled with a style that almost leads itself to writing creative lines there to be quoted and catch the readers eye. You don’t find that done (so much) with topical heads in truth - but it can be effective. It’s a largely underrated quality I find in these things, personally, but a truer test will be seeing how you fare with this more “topical” type verse when pitted against a storyteller. It would be interesting to see you actually attempt at a story, as I think that would suit you better in this environment and give you a more complete package.

Adonis - I agree that the imagery and concise wording here helped make this a battle. You kind of saw what your opponent had and went the opposite way to him, almost playing to your strengths and his perceived weaknesses, you had a degree of success with it too here I have to say - it had a Deadman-ness quality to it with stuff like the “card tied to spokes” of a child’s bicycle wheel. It was a nostalgia toned slice of visual imagery that resonated and no doubt some will relate to. I’d say the stylistic differences between you made this battle more interesting, to me personally, with both kind of taking a more “topical” take - Blue relying more heavily on the mechanics side and Adonis maybe the more poetic vibe. I liked aspects of both, Blue’s more punchy style and wording vs Adonis stuff like “Imagine imagining,” and the visual imagery he delivered with stuff like the peddles that sing and those wittier turns of phrase like “Knight of the day,” and “Killing time, care to watch?” that Blue himself would probably look at sceptically given his more battle orientated background but I enjoyed those snippets throughout. This isn’t clear cut, for me at least, and the two separate executions are what made me want to elaborate further on this vote here to decide a winner. This stuff from Adonis is when he’s hitting his stride:

Quote:
Being lost in a breeze watching rustling leaves
A buzzing that beams, natures fluttering wings
The main thing that decided this, for me, was the brevity of Adonis piece here as it seemed to end rather abruptly (with those last three lines) on that end note when I’d have perhaps been looking for more of a resolution - be that something polarising or some kind of arc back to how he opened the verse, which I guess it could be taken as doing to an extent with the dial being turned up and back to the static lines in a kind of linear radio frequency type way - but I felt it needed something added where Blue here had, what felt, like the more complete piece on the whole, and that’s ultimately what lead me to go with him over Adonis this round.

Keep those pens moving!

Last edited by Diablo; 07-24-2019 at 01:09 PM.
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