[big baby]

this reads like a few people here, vulgar, nyc, lars at times, a bit of soulstice and such. cool, piece. i generally dislike and disregard anything story driven to a picture. just can't get behind it i guess. but i liked the way this developed and was written. pretty much a decent grasp on various elements. the intersectional transition is good, too. thanks


the one thing i notice about your writing is that, you fragment your rhyming so that it catches on to the reader and quickly dispose of it with dialogue, or progression of topic (yeah, what you're supposed to do) my qualm is that it almost happens to frequently or too consecutively. it's cool, and it's good. but, i feel it's tiring; i mean atleast for me. the references to places, tribes and such is a nice touch too. but it begs to be said, that these places are never explored in depth, of course the imagery can explain some of it, a quick google search and such. but, i feel that it isn't expanded enough, and with good measure. i don't think, expanding on those references would be beneficial to the topic, but it always seems a bit.... lazy isn't the word, but almost overdone to a point. you made it work here, yes, but it's less of a relatable topic and moreso a t'all tale meant to be read as a story with very little emotional connection, and just. a brazen display of imagery overdone to a tee. it's good, but you get where I'm going with this.



on the other hand i liked what you did. with a technical perspective, you pretty much explored the story and explained it adequately. what I'm saying is, idk if it's interesting, grabbing, or sufficient in keeping a reader wanting more. it's more of an essay done for school, and here's some literary techniques applied to it. hope i get an A- type stuff. good but, not intriguing so to say. if that's what you were aiming for, then great. you do have a solid grasp on mechanics, it notijg really wowed me. the imagery was cool, the constant reminder of the environment were in, cool. but nothing, was like, wow this was extremely high leveled writing. this is great to read.5!8/ is expression and technique in one. this just seemed like target practice. a 1 hour workout. protein shake and sit-ups. didn't seem like a full circuit body workout, and a nap in the ice bath. but overall, cool. thanks