You got the hipster swag before you walk out your home with barmitzah flags
you so jew, you'd try to pull a tip out of hitlers bag!
Setup-punchline is key in shortbar text, for sure. but this was too jokey of a bar to really do any damage. it also seemed like this bar was more about mutlies than the actual punch. in order of effectiveness, you want to think wording->concept->then the little things like rhyming that contribute to smoothness in reading. in a beginner level there's nothing wrong with a 1-2 syllable end rhyme only. As far as the delivery of this, it wasn't a wordplay kind of thing at all, it was a pure joke - there is a distinction - and yours was more on the 'my mother in laws so fat' side. especially for a fake personal bar being direct and set up well is key - this kind of leaves me thinking 'wait, flo isn't really jewish i dont think' more than 'that hit'
im bout to diss this fag,wit his hat in last pic, looked like a bitch in drag
stared at everything but the camera cuz he was mad we dissed his dad
There's nothing wrong with a basic bar about your opponent's appearance. for example, me being skinny or wearing glasses is fair game. but the nuances like the color shirt or a kind of goofy hat aren't usually as effective. as far as the bar itself, you again seemed to sacrifice wordplay and a more effective punch for a jokier idea with multies. reads well, but content is where it's lacking.
He's a gimp that gets the shag, places blatant hates in his votes
take so much paste in his throat, colgate should be displayin this hoe
Better. this was basic, but showed an element of wordplay. probably the most basic way you could flip something. The idea itself isn't too strong, but could be bolstered a lot by being well worded, by which i mean a setup that does just that - sets up the punch. right now you have a kind of related rhyme going into a one-liner of a punch, but it could be a lot more effective even with tweaking the setup.
flo's bedroom's a man party, each dick a welcome addition
so much paste in dudes throat ud think hes rehearsing his colgate audition
roughly done, but you can see what i'm going for - the 'hate in his votes' was unrelated and just kind of took the reader's attention away from the actual hit - while it did feel freestyled you shouldn't think like a traditional freestyle battle - think of and word your punchline, then use your setup to set that punchline up. you can do a loooot more concept-wise with an extra line of text
Text addiction shows you,can't make hoes squeal , plus u have no deal!
So how you expect to be yourself, you can't even flow real
kind of sums up everything you did and i've pointed out - multies in place of wording, a quasi-diss instead of a standard setup, and a hastily worded and compressed punchline that could be much more effective as a result.
BASICALLY lol
you're not bad at all for an earlier battle. you clearly understand rhyming, its focusing more on the content of your lines rather than the embellishments. your last two were your strongest by far, head a little more in that direction and stay up.
Your a low tier no one, your such a fucking cock
good at facing pussies but for the rest of the time....your just a flop
pretty much anything to do with any term for genitals has been done in a generic form. you made the cock connection a little more complex so it hit in some regard
basement dwelling fag is your perfect description
if you ever 'emerge and see' ill leave you in a one worse then a massacre victim
Emerge and see feels done. it almost certainly has been, which is an issue with generics at this point in text but at the end of the day what made me dislike this in a lower-level battle was more of how it was used. What was lacking here was a smooth integration of the idea - imo 'emerge and see' (while fairly done) could be a lot smoother - something that works both ways
basement dwelling fag. come outside and get floored, dude
if u ever 'emerge n cee lights', itll be those n the ambulance coming for you
by adding 'lights' its a little more complex and gave me more room to work with the flip and make a stronger punch out of it
I make a bitch soakin wet when i choke her with a chain
only time you can say you did all of that is walking yo dog in the pourin rain
bitch/dog is of course done and needs a lot by way of complexity to hit well (im surprised i pulled it off even with something as out of left field as 'making your bitch glowing like a chernobyl dog' lol. this is kind of basic execution though - the way you deliver a punch is huge for making it hit and makes a biiiig difference for more played ideas. see that 'colgate' bar i reworked for cym
yo you must be a fag, proof is in the way im smoking you
cus blokes get you hot when there lips around your butt an they're suckin through
done exactly the same way as the previous line - nothing wrong with that but i'd stick one at one end of the verse and the other someplace else. again, your biggest crutch is just played out ideas. you did alright with the fag/fag connection but it's been done to death outside of text even - coming into here and reading one of those is more of an 'oh, this again' moment. the only way this could've been worked to hit is by adding another layer of complexity (and it would take a fair amount and probably a personal touch if at all) like that emergency bar i re-did.
IN SHORT
everything was a played and basic connection. emergency was somewhat fresh to me but i've been in text for a few months. on top of that it was delivered in a way that took away from it.
colgate and flow real are near quotes from cym
emergency is a near quote from flo
i got cym
MOD PART
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CymbiCort you still have NBL votes as your voting links. imma need some BA voting links, post em here even tho its closed
4-3 cym, first to 5, win by 2