Quote:
Death lurks and it looms, urgently moved to the emergency room.
Surgeons hurridly use surgical tools for nursing the burgundy wound..
Cant face this murderous doom, frightened by the red that is gushing..
Rib skeletal structures cracked from the lead in my stomach..
Hot metal's wrecking my functions, bleeding excessively..
Death manifesting next to me desperately trying to get the best of me..
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dope opening...after the last line in this set you had mad opertunity to engange in some depth and expand on this situation you put us in...
Let's see where you take us...
Quote:
Im getting weak, two hot metal stones in a torn spleen..
One more injection, and ill be overdosing on morphine..
I was only fourteen feelin my head gettin heavy..
saw the gun, saw him pull the trigger, i never was ready..
Two metal pellets settling in me, didnt think he'd be packin heat..
Or that he'd be blasting three after me, because i didnt have the G..
Blackness surpassing me, minutes from being laid to rest..
My brain is vexed playin chess with the angel of death..
Should of brang defense, death is malevolent.
Pledging I'll be checking in on every single one of my relatives.
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the bold represents filler. because in the opening above you showed us that you were not felling well...so to tell us is pointless and creates redundancy...
this above section tried to flesh out backstory, but it was too shallow to work...think of ways to show it differently
Quote:
Everything has a relevance, I yearn for it all..
Its like playing a game of tennis with a murderdous ball..
So learn from me y'all, i feel the scalpel slice to to right,
Im blinded by light, finding im striving to stay alive in this life..
The shine is too bright, cant be hypnotized by his might,
Cant let these fiending demons win, im gonna fight till i die..
The surgeons having trouble locating the metal..
Im facing the devil, cant sink underground..
Gotta stay on this level..
Suddenly I close my eyes to pass time.
Then I wake up... a holy spirit hearing a flatline.
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good flow in this, decent enough, fell off toward the end, the last line was off...but that aside, nobody remembers how sick you flow persay but how you make the reader feel after reading any piece.
to cover your death and to get across the impact I felt you wanted you have to give us some tangible or some investment. you started off well by saying you got shoe and saw the gun...but that was it, and oyu then continue with more telling/describing...show us
like why do you have to stay on this level ? what's at stake. why do you have to live ? we where given nothing...expanded on the moment.
what fall did you learn from ?
you said a lot but what did you actually create ?
create some tension, up the antee...if oyu died there are things at stake, develop these things to bring an impact...blah blah. you needed a world in wich we were looking into while reading....otherwise we aer 1000 miles away just listening.
not a bad peice, I just felt like speaking my mind. I realize i ain't the best
Quote:
So learn from me y'all, i feel the scalpel slice to to right,
Im blinded by light, finding im striving to stay alive in this life..
The shine is too bright, cant be hypnotized by his might,
Cant let these fiending demons win, im gonna fight till i die..
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Thing is, we learned nothing...just some details...offer some observations and how they motivate or otherwise this character......offer insights into his mind beyond simple sound bite statements..
do you see what I mean ? Give this depth and color outside the parable you gave it, which was telling...not bad though.
those who cannot do critique.