[Split]

while I read those posts, i will add that story, imagery, emotion and content are all affected by aspects of actual writing. flow is conceptual as well as syllables and consonance.

cool collab guys

Originally Posted by Storyteller

Through weaves of infrastructure, I've built a repertoire ,
So rest a sure to rep the core of dispositions at our nations door.
>Okay, decent opener. Kind of stumbled over the figurative language in the second line, "rep the core" is badly worded, it's "rest-assured", and dispositions means moods/ outlooks/ a person's essential make-up. so im kinda lost in the vagueness

Hold the chord- strumming death is just an open chore,
Laid in depth, I paid respect with wounds of an open sore.
>good, didn't like "open chore"
Living legend where bibles recite for pensions,
Heaven with hecklers, clanking through various dimensions.
>second line was very strong but "bibles recite for pensions" is bad grammar and wording.

A breathing section where the smoke seems to clear intentions,
Leaving mentions for acceptance a denied state of presence.
>irregular rhythm
A lonely peasant tho the path I shadow S'mine to bear,
I mind to share so my past is vague to those who strive to care.
>forced rhymes everywhere in this bar
Minus pairs - which leaves us as single delegates
We can all thrive but feeding lies leaves u desperate.
Like taro myths, my palm will give you death as a settlement,
the future That i bring and hold- i keep completely separate.
>taro myths was dope

"As followers of the book,
He who spoke with gods tongue- befriend the acts of lucifer.
Bleeding the ounce of memories,
Treading deaths company,
Bitter lonely and cold"

[b @Just Write[/b]
the states relenquish their load on the meek n' the desperate
leeching off innocence till they bleed their possesions,
the screaming, the heckling, it wont lead to repentance.
you need to seek new dimensions to percieve my perspective.
break free from opression by any means neccesary,
because it's we who decides whats needed or temporary.
>the above was okay but vague
i'm leading the blind till this smokescreen tarries
so I don't fall prey to deciet and proceed to perish.
and if you cherish your freedom, kids study your rights,
cuz when the day arrives you'll all have to get up & fight.
see, we're the calmest at night but it's not cuz we're sleeping
we're just channeling thoughts past our process of thinking,
i hope when the sun arises, we no longer see out the eyes of heathens
but that a fire ignites inside us and give our lives new meaning.
>liked the ender

He knew the only way of acknowledgement...

Was to pass foes of the darkest of souls,
Remissible prose that bowed an arrow thru foes.
Timeless- capsule closed reaching for a purpose is deemed,
A self act in between Hell's Kitchen where it's never said of what's seen.
A settling scheme that cleans the minds of the free,
Tending to bent iron that speaks a language death silently treats.
He knew not to weep for weakness held an abominable weight,
Classical traits that prey'd into the shadowing wait.
Practical phase that lent hands to peel the nails shallowly straight,
Unraveling displayed that bellowed a soul 6 ft. To it's fate.
Pardon the wake but this dream is spiraling to a mess,
Somebody find the hex to take without taking a breath.
Scoundrel of death, I await for my binge of acceptance,
Wrap time with a vengeance and spear god for some leverage.
A shadow that's headless no one shakes me to be separate,
So I lay uncontested no strings to model- I'm helpless.
That's the feeling I'm left with cause judgement is played,
We have the right to bare arms but with the same sex it's reckless.
.
.
.
My brother knew whats right and was raised to stand firm,
So being gay led him to see my father sooner I've learned.
So today I churn and let the smoke cry wolf in his urn,
And follow suite for true love- sometimes you gotta let it burn.

R.I.P Michael Swanson
The gayest man I knew but the proudest father of 3 adopted girls and loving partner since gay rights came a thing of blessing!

Miss ya Bro!

bold parts were dope

for the first and last verses, I feel like that person could benefit from editing and reading their verses as if they were trying to understand it for the first time.. a lot of places where the wording or phrasing was just mad awkward.

like, anything that doesn't come off conceptually crisp and focused to you, as you write it, is gonna seem like a muddled mess to your writer. A lot of sentences would benefit from being spit straight out i.e. "a self-act in between Hell's kitchen where it's never said of what's seen"

==neither the above or below lines explain this 'self-act' and its not something that could be deduced... if that idea is developed, you need to accent it more when you introduced it. otherwise chop it out.

=="in between" technically u only list Hell's kitchen, so perhaps you meant 'within'

=="Hell's kitchen" is an interesting reference... however, that is a place in NYC which confused me because you never really elucidated why this place is referenced as Hell's kitchen

=="it's never said of what's seen" there were a lot of phrases like this, that seem like over-complications of simple sayings. "no one says what they sees" flows the same, rolls off quicker mentally, and is virtually the same as what you said without possible misinterpretations


However, your verses weren't badly written or devised. it's more like you painted the Mona Lisa and hung it under fogged glass. the metaphors and figurative language were clever and unique, like 'taro palm myths' and that Hell's kitchen reference. it has that poetic air, just without the static simplicity of a poem. if you cleaned things up you'd have KILLER verses. tag me in crew forums and I'd be willing to help u edit.. unless i'm spouting bullshit and just can't connect your verses as well as anyone else

I can always tell a Storyteller verse, though.


middle verse/ Just Write

in a direct, direct contrast to Storyteller, I felt like you really flowed well and pieced together your lines very naturally. a couple places where your schemes slipped, or a strong internal could've helped you out with fluidity, but otherwise dope wording.

however, it does feel a bit conceptually dry. no daring metaphors, and I feel like I never 'connected' with your story the way I did Storytellers.

for example
"see, we're the calmest at night but it's not cuz we're sleeping
we're just channeling thoughts past our process of thinking,
>> ok.. I get what you're hinting at, however "calmest at night" is a mundane expression. "channeling thoughts" and "process of thinking" are both nice examples of expanding a phrase to fit the flow of a bar, but they're also very dry and standard... like you could pull them out of a Wall St Journal atricle.

i hope when the sun arises, we no longer see out the eyes of heathens
but that a fire ignites inside us and give our lives new meaning.
>>again. those metaphors and phrases are very simple and uninspired to me"

one thing related to plot, I'd suggest, is to bring in more description and horizontally expand your thoughts... flesh out the bones of your verse, give it character, make it personal and make it about YOU or your character, or even the reader and all of the above, a la Blacketh.



SO. @Storyteller @Just Write

summing that all up.. I really thought you guys were on the BRINK of something very, very dope with this collab, both individually as writers and as a team. but ultimately, I felt kinda weird and frustrated reading it..

I enjoyed portions of it, but it felt inconclusive.

w/out stripping away individuality, I think if JW picked up some aspects of ST's writing (poetic phrasing, stylistic flair, a personal connection w/ the reader) nd ST picked up some aspects of JW's writing (strong+ fluid wording, meshing with ppl in your collab, clarity) you guys would be way more balanced individually


also, JW I'm glad you cypher'd off Story's verse the way you did, keep it up :)

good shit guys