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Illume · 07-07-2013, 08:20 AM

Through weaves of infrastructure, I've built a repertoire ,
So rest a sure to rep the core of dispositions at our nations door.

So I get the message here. you're sayin' that through all the bollox you've seen on this planet that you're qualified enough to have a say on it and to have your say heard. Felt this way a million times. Liked the rhyme scheme, little hard to understand at first though.

Hold the chord- strumming death is just an open chore,
Laid in depth, I paid respect with wounds of an open sore.
Living legend where bibles recite for pensions,
Heaven with hecklers, clanking through various dimensions.
A breathing section where the smoke seems to clear intentions,
Leaving mentions for acceptance a denied state of presence.
A lonely peasant tho the path I shadow S'mine to bear,
I mind to share so my past is vague to those who strive to care.
Minus pairs - which leaves us as single delegates
We can all thrive but feeding lies leaves u desperate.
Like taro myths, my palm will give you death as a settlement,
the future That i bring and hold- i keep completely separate.

I really didn't wanna break this down cause it gels so well together and makes a lotta sense about the complexity of life. I liked the part in bold a lot. BUt I gotta say, some of it could do with an article in some parts. like for instance 'Leaving mentions for acceptance (of) a denied state of presence.' But it mostly flowed well and I got it.

"As followers of the book,
He who spoke with gods tongue- befriend the acts of lucifer.
Bleeding the ounce of memories,
Treading deaths company,
Bitter lonely and cold"

You've really set up a great foundation for JustWrite to bounce on and that means his rhyme is where the piece really gets into flow (not that you're rhyme is less, it's just a logistics thing).

But i did find that Just writes rhyme felt less complex and took less work to understand. Perhaps cause of his grammar.

@Just Write
the states relenquish their load on the meek n' the desperate
leeching off innocence till they bleed their possesions,
the screaming, the heckling, it wont lead to repentance.
you need to seek new dimensions to percieve my perspective.
break free from opression by any means neccesary,
because it's we who decides whats needed or temporary.
i'm leading the blind till this smokescreen tarries
so I don't fall prey to deciet and proceed to perish.
and if you cherish your freedom, kids study your rights,
cuz when the day arrives you'll all have to get up & fight.
see, we're the calmest at night but it's not cuz we're sleeping
we're just channeling thoughts past our process of thinking,
i hope when the sun arises, we no longer see out the eyes of heathens
but that a fire ignites inside us and give our lives new meaning.

He uses wordplays and spins on what you've already wrote and gives a more fresh outlook on the whole scenario, plus something totally relateable, about how the rituals and shouting and praying don't do shit. It's action that works. Some truths about life in there too which I really liked.

He knew the only way of acknowledgement...

Was to pass foes of the darkest of souls,
Remissible prose that bowed an arrow thru foes.
Timeless- capsule closed reaching for a purpose is deemed,
A self act in between Hell's Kitchen where it's never said of what's seen.
A settling scheme that cleans the minds of the free,
Tending to bent iron that speaks a language (of) death silently treats.
He knew not to weep for weakness held an abominable weight,
Classical traits that prey'd into the shadowing wait.
Practical phase that lent hands to peel the nails shallowly straight,
Unraveling displayed that bellowed a soul 6 ft. To it's fate.
Pardon the wake but this dream is spiraling to a mess,
Somebody find the hex to take without taking a breath.
Scoundrel of death, I await for my binge of acceptance,
Wrap time with a vengeance and spear god for some leverage.
A shadow that's headless no one shakes me to be separate,
So I lay uncontested no strings to model- I'm helpless.
That's the feeling I'm left with cause judgement is played,
We have the right to bare arms but with the same sex it's reckless.

This rhyme was by far my favourite out of the whole piece. My favourite was in bold. Loved the symbolism here.
.
.
.
My brother knew whats right and was raised to stand firm,
So being gay led him to see my father sooner I've learned.
So today I churn and let the smoke cry wolf in his urn,
And follow suite for true love- sometimes you gotta let it burn.

True dat.
If you want more in depth stuff I can do that, but just not right now.

07-07-2013, 08:20 AM	#16
Illume Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 145 Rep Power: 671780	Through weaves of infrastructure, I've built a repertoire , So rest a sure to rep the core of dispositions at our nations door. So I get the message here. you're sayin' that through all the bollox you've seen on this planet that you're qualified enough to have a say on it and to have your say heard. Felt this way a million times. Liked the rhyme scheme, little hard to understand at first though. Hold the chord- strumming death is just an open chore, Laid in depth, I paid respect with wounds of an open sore. Living legend where bibles recite for pensions, Heaven with hecklers, clanking through various dimensions. A breathing section where the smoke seems to clear intentions, Leaving mentions for acceptance a denied state of presence. A lonely peasant tho the path I shadow S'mine to bear, I mind to share so my past is vague to those who strive to care. Minus pairs - which leaves us as single delegates We can all thrive but feeding lies leaves u desperate. Like taro myths, my palm will give you death as a settlement, the future That i bring and hold- i keep completely separate. I really didn't wanna break this down cause it gels so well together and makes a lotta sense about the complexity of life. I liked the part in bold a lot. BUt I gotta say, some of it could do with an article in some parts. like for instance 'Leaving mentions for acceptance (of) a denied state of presence.' But it mostly flowed well and I got it. "As followers of the book, He who spoke with gods tongue- befriend the acts of lucifer. Bleeding the ounce of memories, Treading deaths company, Bitter lonely and cold" You've really set up a great foundation for JustWrite to bounce on and that means his rhyme is where the piece really gets into flow (not that you're rhyme is less, it's just a logistics thing). But i did find that Just writes rhyme felt less complex and took less work to understand. Perhaps cause of his grammar. @Just Write the states relenquish their load on the meek n' the desperate leeching off innocence till they bleed their possesions, the screaming, the heckling, it wont lead to repentance. you need to seek new dimensions to percieve my perspective. break free from opression by any means neccesary, because it's we who decides whats needed or temporary. i'm leading the blind till this smokescreen tarries so I don't fall prey to deciet and proceed to perish. and if you cherish your freedom, kids study your rights, cuz when the day arrives you'll all have to get up & fight. see, we're the calmest at night but it's not cuz we're sleeping we're just channeling thoughts past our process of thinking, i hope when the sun arises, we no longer see out the eyes of heathens but that a fire ignites inside us and give our lives new meaning. He uses wordplays and spins on what you've already wrote and gives a more fresh outlook on the whole scenario, plus something totally relateable, about how the rituals and shouting and praying don't do shit. It's action that works. Some truths about life in there too which I really liked. He knew the only way of acknowledgement... Was to pass foes of the darkest of souls, Remissible prose that bowed an arrow thru foes. Timeless- capsule closed reaching for a purpose is deemed, A self act in between Hell's Kitchen where it's never said of what's seen. A settling scheme that cleans the minds of the free, Tending to bent iron that speaks a language (of) death silently treats. He knew not to weep for weakness held an abominable weight, Classical traits that prey'd into the shadowing wait. Practical phase that lent hands to peel the nails shallowly straight, Unraveling displayed that bellowed a soul 6 ft. To it's fate. Pardon the wake but this dream is spiraling to a mess, Somebody find the hex to take without taking a breath. Scoundrel of death, I await for my binge of acceptance, Wrap time with a vengeance and spear god for some leverage. A shadow that's headless no one shakes me to be separate, So I lay uncontested no strings to model- I'm helpless. That's the feeling I'm left with cause judgement is played, We have the right to bare arms but with the same sex it's reckless. This rhyme was by far my favourite out of the whole piece. My favourite was in bold. Loved the symbolism here. . . . My brother knew whats right and was raised to stand firm, So being gay led him to see my father sooner I've learned. So today I churn and let the smoke cry wolf in his urn, And follow suite for true love- sometimes you gotta let it burn. True dat. If you want more in depth stuff I can do that, but just not right now.