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Originally Posted by
Stopping by as requested. Gonna break down some thoughts for you bruh..
ZenLand;8595
This is a rough work in progress of what I have so far.
1.The Gracious Prince, Surrounded by Faceless Men with Tastless Grins.
Some say he's the Saviour Sent to Replace the Sin like the "Days Back When."
Ok, first bar.. pretty smooth flow of syllables. I think you have a great concept here, my suggestion would be to stretch these ides into maybe two bars instead of one.. you had so much packed into two lines that I think you sacrificed content for flow. The flow was dope.. but if you would have spread the idea out further I think it would have had more impact and been more descriptive as far as what your trying to say.
To me.. syllables in abundance are cool.. but I think its best to open slowly.. paint a little picture of where your headed and then BAM! Slam some crazy lines in and slow it down again.. it gives the reader more of an understanding of the character/s in question if you ask me.
2.The Prince discarded his Title and Possessions and gathered Disciples for Lessons
And told them to Recite their Confessions. They wondered of Life and Heaven
Cool bar.. I feel like it was smooth and then you sacrificed a word at the end which threw your flow off a little bit. Not sure why you did that but maybe you were worried about matching line lengths? If that's the case... fuck a line length, if you have to put an extra word in to keep a steady cadence then so be it.
And Why Professions led men on a Slide of Regression to Lies and Deception
For an addiction to gold which Rivals Obsession. Then the Prince gave his Wise Direction.
"Only a beast Fights his Brethren."
3.His Disciples were Sent to Preach as the Prince Went in the Streets.
The Peasant Bent at his Feet and with a Grin in his Teeth he Begins to Speak,
"Dear Prince, I have no Meal to Eat. Help me Again Please!"
The Prince led him to a Tent with a Feast as he was always known to Defend the Meek.
And The Prince spoke, "Carry Zen and Teach and the knowledge shall be Within Reach."
4.The Prince Mystified the Land as the Pride of Man. They believed him to be
God's Right Hand. But back home with no heir to Guide the Land
There was a Fight to Stand as King to unite the tribes Divided by Sand.
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Ok.. as a whole.. thought you told a good story. Concepts seemed to stay on point. I would seriously refer to the second bit of advice I gave you.. maybe its not a sacrifice for line lenggth the way I suggested at first. But more like a reader error? I'm not sure, could be the way I'm reading it but to me, it seems like your delivery bar is lacking in the final rhyme sequence.. like a word here or there that would smooth out the flow more.. hopefully this has been helpful bruh
All in all a good read man, stay active and keep writing. 1