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Coup · 06-27-2013, 03:35 PM

I think the problem with this is this...

You offer no rhyme or reason, nor motivation to express why you are feeling like you are...without that we have no reason to care...we are not your personal army of doctors. You should never write for the public as therapy for you. Rule 1.

Though, all characters no matter in movies, flexes or topics need to win the sympathy of the audience so we can get behind you...you started to, but did not move out of self indulgence.

so the sob story had no justification...

It would have been fine if you followed up with a verse that got in it....recall Em's Lose Yourself lyrics...he did the same thing, but in verse three...cat blew up and used his whining set ups to get the attention of us.

No more games, I'mma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfuckin' roof off like two dogs caged
I was playin' in the beginning, the mood all changed
I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage

know what I mean ? Don't get me wrong, he set his up way beter than you, that is not a knock against you, he is a pro.

There are many ways to make this piece work....just understand it needs work.

Moreover, your confession made in your opening lines really did not confess an action to drive your mood...What did you do cat ?

Its a release for all these demons im hiding that think they're entitled
To creep up inside me and devour my soul without any reprisal..

After these last lines you could have really went in "the mood all change"

otherwise this felt cheap...don't get me wrong, we are all guiltiy of doing this, especially myself...i aint trying to act hard.

I could go on...if your a vindictive type go to my last OM peice and help a brother out...

06-27-2013, 03:35 PM	#14
Coup Don't believe the hype Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 572 Battle Record: 4-5 Rep Power: 0	I think the problem with this is this... You offer no rhyme or reason, nor motivation to express why you are feeling like you are...without that we have no reason to care...we are not your personal army of doctors. You should never write for the public as therapy for you. Rule 1. Though, all characters no matter in movies, flexes or topics need to win the sympathy of the audience so we can get behind you...you started to, but did not move out of self indulgence. so the sob story had no justification... It would have been fine if you followed up with a verse that got in it....recall Em's Lose Yourself lyrics...he did the same thing, but in verse three...cat blew up and used his whining set ups to get the attention of us. No more games, I'mma change what you call rage Tear this motherfuckin' roof off like two dogs caged I was playin' in the beginning, the mood all changed I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage know what I mean ? Don't get me wrong, he set his up way beter than you, that is not a knock against you, he is a pro. There are many ways to make this piece work....just understand it needs work. Moreover, your confession made in your opening lines really did not confess an action to drive your mood...What did you do cat ? Its a release for all these demons im hiding that think they're entitled To creep up inside me and devour my soul without any reprisal.. After these last lines you could have really went in "the mood all change" otherwise this felt cheap...don't get me wrong, we are all guiltiy of doing this, especially myself...i aint trying to act hard. I could go on...if your a vindictive type go to my last OM peice and help a brother out... __________________ What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope.