[fraze]

Originally Posted by symetrik

“Hi, my name’s Eric and I’m an addict.”

I cleared my throat, a cold Styrofoam coffee clutched in my hands.
”For the last, like… eight months, I’ve been addicted to scag.
I wouldn’t usually be here, but things have gotten pretty bad,
and I figured this was my last chance to return to the right path.
Nice intro to setup the story. Rhymes are shaky here and there but you're setting up the narrative well

I ascribed to a culture that I only started living in my 20th year
This is the pivotal line of the piece in that it connects the speaker to the Viking culture which establishes the connection to the topic through Yggdrasil. I think you would have been better served to strengthen that connection in this stanza, because without it, the piece is disconnected from the topic, and the following tie-ins don't work as well.
but had recently learned shit that confirmed my heaviest fears.
It wasn’t strength but savagery, from the skald to the seers,
seeking to shed blood over their swords and spears.
Nordic vocab works well to set up the theme of the piece. the flow is picking up a bit but rhymes still on the simple side

It was a moment of identity that history had run through,
and so, learned; I burned every piece I clung to,
but I still see omens, even knowing they’re untrue.
A white dude feeling guilty about things I couldn’t undo.
Picking up the rhymes even more. Cool introspection and I think this works on several levels, both with the present day tie in to white guilt and also the guilt of vikings who were fairly brutal conquerors throughout Europe. I would hope that raping and pillaging has some psychological cost, and its written to echo both sides both historical and modern

It cracked an already fragile foundation,
founded by my grandad, his back bad and already aching,
prattling adages seemingly addled by ages
that advocated patience and strength in the face of any battles awaiting…
solid rhymes here but the stanza doesn't do much to progress the piece. you possible could have skipped this to give more space to flesh out the topic connection.

and there I was, needle down. Bare is the back of a brotherless man.
I’m an addict, admittedly, but I’d never admitted it ‘til I struggled to stand.”
this is cool. nice rhymes and punchy flip.

They applauded when I finished - witnesses. An alibi that was part of the plan.
I left the room silently, hoping to amend soon for a past with fresh blood on the land.
Setting up the next part of the piece. Would have liked to see more in the rhyme scheme to carry this section. I know you're moving the narrative along but don't love the single syllable end rhymes


The air was windy and cold. Frost-tinted windows of cars parked under a solitary light’s glow,
and two blokes stood by an old Chevy, eyes heavy with a quiet hope that it might snow.
Descriptive scene setting. Rhyming is a little off. Doesn't feel like this section does much for the story

I smiled politely and strolled by as thunder rumbled, turning the block.
I got to my car, fumbled in my pocket, pressed the key to the lock,
and got in - my head fogged and my eyes glued to the glovebox,
my willpower waning from sight like the Víkingr’s boats after they’d shoved off.
Starting to setup the answer for why a alibi is needed. Also another Nordic tie in

I was pulled from my woes by a loud caw;
A raven alighted the vehicle’s hood with a dead mouse in its southpaw,
claw tapping gently on the metal as it steadily tilted its head
and surveyed me, a mere mortal treading on the realm of the dead.
A little bit of foreshadowing, more vocab based tie ins

I breathed in deeply and opened the glovebox; my heart was tired.
Across the street, an old man closed his curtains as a car backfires
ending is pretty overwhelming. would have liked a more solid connection back to the topic theme. you're also leaving a lot to the reader to interpret in terms of what happened. nothing wrong with that, but you also risk losing people along the way

Originally Posted by brokenhal0

'' Symmetrical Treeformity''


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFWu3uKieq8

His name was Eric, a real gem of a guy,
A testament that deformed people can rock denims just fine.
He never got straight to the point, and his life resembles his spine.
On another level, we all convince ourselves of reasons to realign.
Eventually, he found peace, but not in the trees you climb.
That one tree that's buried deep inside,
That one tree that frees you from the leeches that bleed your mind.
solid start. liked straight/spine/realign wp. early topic connection but it doesn't feel more purposeful than a mention

Each step was a war against pain,
Each breath another plea to release the tension.
The villagers called him a living curse; no surgery could rid his scourge.
Get immersed at best, he was a feature credit.
The simple purrs of a Persian cat were his only friend,
His spine bent to the bitter end,
Walking around town shaped like the letter "M."
Dude has scoliosis. Liked the closing here but waiting to see where you're going with it

There was a myth of a desert tree that glowed,
That brought balance to the soul.
this is the pivotal point of your piece. i don't think you spent enough time setting up the connection between man and mystical tree, or a motive for this specific journey. most people with disfiguring spine conditions probably aren't going to trek out in search of a magic oak. why is your character compelled? without an answer to this, the rest of the piece never really comes together.
Eric set on a journey to
“Make him whole” like the Rhodochrosite Rose.
Moving slow, hope carved in sand; his prayers remain etched in time.
The whispers of a foreign land, with a promising cure, propelled his climb.
nice rhyming, but I'm not feeling much development in the story. we haven't really set up the character or giving readers a reason to care about him. A lot of descriptions but not much is happening.

He found the tree at dawn’s first light, no words could describe
What he felt inside encountering such a fantastic being.
A masterpiece carved beyond Gaia’s most wildest dreams,
Its branches blocked the sun; they looked like massive beams.
The sky above, the earth below, bent to all its ancient grace,
A deep rooted relic of the universe, stuck in between time and space.
rhyming is okay. leaning a bit too much on description. the piece is starting to feel a little rushed at this point. the rhymes are a lot simpler and the story feels pretty flat

He placed his hands upon its twisted roots,
Each tendril bore its fruits.
“I seek to stand,” as tall as you,
Eric demanded repeatedly, something he would often do.
The tree responded silently, in a sudden flare,
Eric felt his spine grow straight,as his burdens became light as air.
still feels rushed. you have some concepts here but they don't really develop into something i can attach a strong feeling to. this is supposed to be a transformative moment, you should play around with word choice to see if you can punch up the impact.

He stood up staring at the stars, for a moment the world was cradled in his palms.
The crooked paths that bound his life now vanished in the glow.
And yet, the power surged too far he knew he would have to go.
The roots began to twist his feet; as his arms grew stiff as stone,
The voice of the ancient tree entwined with his own.
“Eric, you sought my strength, and now you are the guardian of my bough.”
i get it. it not like the story doesn't make sense. but none of the characters motivations have been setup, so as a reader you don't know why to care about what's being described

The man became the myth reborn,
His life a sacred chain once deformed.
For those who live a crooked path
In straightened lanes and suffer endless pain,
The tree remains.
As this story spreads like roots from deserts to the streets,
Eric's voice will never cease.
For every soul that gets straightened out
Searches for their own release.
i liked the ending tbh. Nice internal rhymes and some coolish imagery.

Symetrik: Solid piece and well executed throughout. Would have like to see more variations in terms of the patterns and complexity of the rhymes but you told a solid story. The topic connection was mostly implicit, meant to be inferred from the use of vocab through the piece, but this was a little bit too subtle for my tastes. I do like the approach of being more indirect when it comes to the topic, but to make this hit you need to be strategic and intentional about how you tie it together. Some of the vocab felt out of place where it was used, and I would have appreciated a few more direct (or indirect) connections to the tree that is the focal point of the topic pic.

brokenhal0: I didn't love this piece from you, mostly because I feel like it doesn't meet your usual standard. Won't judge too harsh as it was likely just a busy week irl, but it doesn't seem like you really got to develop a theme or flesh out much of the story. A technically solid piece and it meets the line limit, but it doesn't feel fully fleshed out. After a couple reads, I get and like the concept, but I feel like you left some fertile (no pun) ground untouched. A stanza or so building the relationship or some significance between to the two main characters would have done a lot to bring it home.

Vote: SymetrikI think this was a solid battle on both sides but each piece left me wanting more in different ways. I would have like to see Symetrik take better advantage of the topic pic (i.e if reading it with or without the picture doesn't change your perception of the piece, it feels less like a topical verse and more like something for the open mic.) That being said, you did enough to tie it together. Hal0's verse felt like it was missing a prequel chapter. It ended strong and it made sense but the part where the reader gets invested in the characters never happened. At the end of the day, I think Symetrik edges this on technique but might have been different if hal0 had more time for his verse.