[fraze]

Originally Posted by brokenhal0

THE LIFE OF A PITBULL NAMED SCAR

Staring through the door,
Bearing what’s been lost,
Scratching lines are crossed,
Hair standing on my paws.
Scary silence sourced,
Stay barking at the bitches
While you stay fighting with your broads.
Cool opening stanza. Nice staccato flow even if the rhymes are a bit short.

I’m chained in the yard, like a prisoner of war,
My muscles are iron forged, crawl before I die,
And die before I crawl.
Defying nature’s laws until death’s deciding call,
I will kill any man or animal I come across.
Loyal to my owner, don’t care about the cause.
Do you dare to find the force?
It’s like I hit third base,
When I get that first taste of something dying in my jaws…the pitbull.
This was hard. Nice multis and gets the piece rolling

Man breeds for purpose and for fame, but I’m here to teach you loyalty and honor.
It’s insane how I remain silent amidst the pain respect comes in two ways: love or instant hate.
the moral of the story comes early i guess

Scar is at the gate,
Carved in twisted shape,
Another bulldog, limping in the rain,
Starved from what he takes.
Hours away from euthanasia,
Coming from an inbred litter,
prone to hip dysplasia.
Don’t look too deep
You’ll get put to sleep when the pitbulls shake ya.
the "meta"-metaphor of this rap battle expressed as a dog fight.

Scar’s heart beats in shock,
Then it seems to stop
A five hour battle of gameness,
Logged on ticking clocks.
Jaws begin to lock, jugulars begin to pop.
My opponent don’t quit, he just sits,
As his last breath drifts outside the box.
continuing the metaphor from previous stanza. dope how all of this works for both writing and a mike vick type fight club

This is how it ends.
Bliss is not your friend.
Dogs that twist until they bend,
Then they bite again.

You love the light they send.
I love my fighting friend.
Blood has marked this ground,
Flood the hollow sound.
Time to stud, the champion crowned,
Test your heart, best to start when the sun is down.
this section slows things down for me. rhyming is just ok with simple end rhymes and this doesn't add much to the story from what i can tell

Now I’m an old dog,
Slow to move at all,
Knowing what I bore,
Chosen to explore,
Just hoping for a treat,
Broken from what I saw.
My owner’s laying dead near an open refrigerator door,
Now I’m stuck here pissing and shitting on the floor.

Another pitbull,
Placed in a shelter and euthanized
What was I fighting for?
finally we tie back to the actual picture lol. and we bring back the theme from the central moral. i presume the answer is either for love or hate.

Originally Posted by Scar

“Where the antelopes play”

In the quiet corners of our shared days,
Where laughter lingers and sunlight plays,
Friendship weaves a tapestry fine,
Stitched with secrets, both yours and mine.
strong rhymes to start

Through storms that test and trials that bend,
A steadfast bond, not just a trend;
In whispered hopes and dreams we dare,
A sanctuary built with tender care.
No explanation of why we sent him there
Lie down! Play dead! How does this rendered fair?
rendered fair feels awkward. but this is cool in general

With honesty as the thread that binds,
We navigate the labyrinth of our minds;
In silence, we find comfort and grace,
A mirror reflecting each other's face.
With grace he strutted against the Appalachian backdrop
The trout sprouting as the prairie dogs raced to escape the red fox
this is a cool bit of flavor description. tells us a lot of bout the relationship between dog and master without needed to spell it out across paragraphs

As seasons shift and paths may part,
True friendship endures, a work of art;
In every chapter, it blooms anew,
A timeless melody, a faithful tune.
Engaged in few words, a gift that’s ended
A magic rendered as man’s best friend
solid rhyming but a bit predictable through the ending

brokenhal0, nice piece, I enjoyed the read. Very well done on the technical side, strong rhymes, a solid narative, and a few different creative flourishes with bringing your opponent into the verse. I didn't love the way you ended it, and I feel like it could have been more impactful with a little tighter editing in the middle sections. But none of that takes away from the overall piece. My only major criticism is a little pedantic, but it feels mostly like the picture was an afterthought to your story as the dog def isn't a pitbull and the scene is only connected at the end. You did enough with it to honor the spirt of the battle and I definitely believe in leaving some creative leeway, but it would have been nice to see you challenge yourself to find a few more ways to make the pic relevant.

Scar, you also wrote an enjoyable piece, just was unfortunately on the shorter side. You clearly have talent and I like what you did with your compact rhyming and descriptive language. I felt like the piece was starting to pick up steam in the next to last paragraph, but then it ended. The closing you picked felt almost like you ran out of time and just wrapped things up. It feels like you were setting up something bigger.

Vote: brokenhal0 I think this was a competitive battle as is but might have gone the other way if Scar had been able to flesh his piece out a little more. Halo did solid work all around so its hard to beat him with a significant disadvantage in line count. I didn't like some of the narrative decisions halo made so I feel like the was a little bit of an opening here. Both writers did a good job, but BH's piece felt more complete.