Quote:
Originally Posted by Goatmilk
As pristine as it all may look, I could let go of this wheel and crash.
But is it safe to say that's my will of fate
Driving in a straight line with no way to look
Any infractions might leave me stranded
On an Exit I should of never took
this is actually pretty dense with subtle wordplay. digging wheel of fate. you hit the theme in every bar without dropping your rhymes
Retracting my mileages so I won't get booked
Billboards mistaken for ways to get a foot
Beware because they'll leave you hooked
My GPS on a narrow road because
The soul knows this life is crooked
still hitting the highway theme but the rhymes fell of a bit
As many ridges in a mountain
There are laws in their books
Had to turn the traction off to
Break through my limits
Speed drifting to my own dimension
Bending at my own angles to
Make things acute
Following signs that are scientific for my route
Exhausting all options to get out of the loop
Set the cruise control into motion
Therefore I can quantimize the kilometers to my
Spiritual Proof
liked traction control, second part feels a bit rushed. rhyming is good in parts but inconsistent.
Now that I have put myself in between the distance
I'm surely gauging what's to come in my beginning
No matter the burning fossil fuels I took to get here
I refuse to pollute my think tank for a common commodity for my price of fear
Taxing my soul particles to clean your river of despair.
I'm not the engineer but the ingenuity who engined here.
Check all the schematics and you'll find that a God was driven here
Digital consoles leads to an electromagnetic tier
Esoteric Blue prints are left for those who seek to steer
While the rest are caught captivating the rest of the light years in our rears
there are some nice ideas through this section but rhymes have become much more simplistic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by symetrik
In the past,
I’d been incapable of change.
Uncapable? Fuck it, it’s all the same.
I’d been focused on staying in one lane.
cool. easy reading flow
Blinders up; do whatever it takes.
Big picture’s about winning a race,
but no one tells you to set a sustainable pace;
tapping the brakes,
but never having “pull-off-the-road” days -
it’s a shame.
low key pretty good life advice that people really don't get often enough
Maybe I’ll pull over today and take ten,
just a short break, something to stay zen,
cuz I’ve been trying to carve out a haven
where I can sleep safe and awaken
to the smell of burnt toast and bacon
and whatever the radio’s playing…
turning up the hippie vibes. having fun with the rhyming
I guess I dozed off in the car ‘til the day’s end.
got so far to go, hope I make it to my destination
before I break down or give up or cave in…
amen.
this is my 900th month on the road.
I’ve had my fair share of passengers, but prefer driving alone.
I’ve gotten a little better at taking it slow,
but things seem to speed up as you get old.
favorite section. tight rhymes and transitioning back from whimsy to philosphy
if there’s only one thing I’ve learned here,
it’s that we view what’s off in the distance with fear
and never take the time to attend to what’s near.
I wish I could have back the years…
he says, as he wipes away tears
cool ending. but the story fills unfinished. i get he's old and looking back, but who is he and why do i care?
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Goatmilk, really liked the opening of your piece, it felt like you had a clear idea of how you wanted to execute on the concept and you started out strong. But the precision of your execution slowed down as the went on a felt like it was running out of steam towards the end in terms of the narrative part. There were a bunch of cool ideas in the last section but they were mostly raw concepts and not well connected with the rest of the piece. I get the themes of perseverance and self determination from it, but it doesn't seem directed towards a specific larger point.
Symetrik, I liked the effortless rhyming and the not overly serious tone of the piece. You had a cool concept that was pretty well executed but left me wanting more in the way of character introduction. I can follow the story but its hard to care about a character i never got to know. But in general I liked the life is a highway metaphor.
Vote: Symetrik In some ways they both took similar approaches to the topic, which the difference in narrative clarity a little more stark. Goatmilk is clearly a talented writer also, I think he might have taken this if he was able to extend the style of the first section through the piece and sharpen his ending. Symetrik your piece was a little shorter comparatively, and dispite the ending feeling a little flat I think you were able to flesh out the more complete piece.