[fraze]

Originally Posted by ACTIVATE SELF

The town had been quiet for weeks, the air thick with the scent of autumn leaves.
Then, one night, a carnival appeared, with a Ferris wheel towering above the trees.
Glowing like a beacon of terror, the carousel spun with haunting lights.
As the once-empty lot suddenly teemed with dozens of wandering wights.
cool setup. rhymes on simple side but decent use of vocab
Eleanor’s eyes were wide with fright, unaware of how she got there, as she stared at the ominous sight.
Driven by fear and curiosity, she ventured toward the carnival ride.
But an icy chill shot down her spine the moment she stepped aboard.
The mechanical horse, adorned in jewels, seemed to entrance the crowd.
Their collective gaze and blank expressions followed her round and round.
Time slowed down as the eerie sounds of lullabies pierced the air.
Then the lights went dim, as mist rolled in, and a shadowy man appeared.
The rhyme picks up a bit here. Like some of the internals. Nice imagery
“How… how did I get here?” she quivered as the horses stalled.
The dark figure edged closer—voice drained of emotion. He whispered, “Remember,” then paused.
Her memory fog lifted in the instant he gripped her shoulder.
The accident was vivid—the fire, the silence, the coma.
Nice shift in the pacing of the rhymes here.
The carnival’s a figment, a prison confined to limbo.
Tethered to a moment when she declined to let go.
The carousel jerked violently, the horses disintegrated into ash.
Revealing Eleanor strapped to a gurney, being treated with an oxygen mask.
“We’re losing her,” one doctor said frantically as her pulse began to fade.
She tried to scream, but no sound came out as the shadow called her name.
nice twist here. and helps to establish shadowy figure as death without spelling things out.
“Eleanor, you’ve stayed too long. It’s time to go,” he urged.
The fire surged with every word; it cracked and burned to bits.
Consuming the mirage and all its fabricated tents.
The carnival was trauma, the carousel a cycle, the wights were her reflection.
Mere vessels of survival. But now her vitals fail as she takes her final breath.
Then floats into the void to finally coalesce

…with death.
cool ending. you tie back to the the carnival/carousel metaphor and bring things together

Originally Posted by Regulator

I have been a carny here since 1999, witnessed all the casualties and the freak show,
These hallowed grounds smell like tragedy, the old folks confused this aroma with weed smoke.
the mysterious stench, the empty Ferris Wheel, still spinning in motion, you almost see both.
Vivid imagery of this scent, followed by what was depicted as 3 ghosts, we picked this night to be close..
Only evidence we know, is the predator slipping up and leaving a message to decode
strong rhymes. setting up the story.
Was it my dream job? No, it turned into a nightmare, this was the only place I wouldn’t be cast aside
A lot of time was spent wondering if the rotten cotton candy would curve a cannibal's appetite.
So, sometimes I would channel the after life, it would be an understatement to say this happened twice,
I saw the dark figure more than once, approach the Farris wheel then vanish when you catch a sight,
Not even a footprint was left on the patch of ice, but we knew; all savages act alike.
You kind of ignore what you see passing by, It was either an apparition, or a brief flash of light
So every entrance had to be secured, if there was loose locks, we would have the night to Latch them tight
solid rhyming with multies. like the carnival vocab and tie ins. starting to setup the grim back story
But the way these dark figures work I was so close to seeing it again that evening a black demon…
Entering the fray performing magic tricks, I'm sitting next to the top hat placed on jaw bones half eaten.
Almost a kid like performance most of the tricks were bad even, somewhere beneath lies a sad meaning.
Lye and a dad screaming, sound deprivation would bring clarity to what you heard last season.
Lies presented behind the mask, pleading, he found medication but was still asked to leave; grieving.
Tried defending inside the wrath, seeing no other option, just a slow thunder that started intervening.
still strong rhymes, story is getting darker in mood.
Every summer he would bring her here, she loved the Farris Wheel even when it stopped working.
She was so innocent that she didn't understand when her dad tried to explain that it's not perfect.
Every ride here has a story, except this one is never told, it's almost like it was the lost version.
Redacted from the papers, and the morning news, because the ending of this tail was too disturbing.
this is where the actual story starts, was mostly preamble up to here. really like the rhymes and imagery in the opening couplet
I worked the grave yard shift, used to paint pictures to hide emotion's, the pain only decays in the art.
I remember the butterfly tattoo on her face, she dropped the cotton candy after straying too far.
I acted like nothing bothered me, but the guilt ate me alive, everyone knew I was playing a part.
Hoping one day the burden's lifted, one of the ghosts approach me removing the dagger from my heart.
perspective of narrator is revealed. which helps ties the opening stanzas to the core story of the girl.
People are blinded by the bright lights, but they promote the scams, like the death and despair,
The rigged carnival games, a suspicious cast of characters, to leave you on the edge of your chair.
The reason I bare this pain, is because I was working that day, and feel everyone's is left in my care.
In November the accident happened!
A Farris Wheel malfunction would change the course of lives, 20 years later I still check the repair.
nice twist ending. playing into the unnerving quality of the circus to give sinister overtones to something perhaps less malicious, an unfortunate accident. still sad, but shifts the impact of some of the grim imagery earlier in the piece.

Activate Self, I really liked your story and your approach, I actually think you had the stronger narrative of the two, and I like the way you took a metaphorical interpretation of the image. It feel well thought out and impactful, but this is also pretty well trodden subject matter for topicals so it did feel a little bit predictable. Everything was done well from technical perspective, but a lot of it in a textbook way. I feel like you'd benefit from giving yourself the freedom to color more outside the lines.

Regulator, it took a little longer for you to get into the core of the piece which made it feel a bit meandering until the ending tied things together. Some of that was probably intentional given the style of the ending (my piece this week does something kind of similar), but recommend thinking about pacing. I also liked the horror imagery misdirection, but a less descriptive first half would give space to flesh out the focal moment of the piece (the accident). Without this, the ending feels a little disconnected from the rest of the piece because it doesn't continue or explain the horror theme.

Vote: Regulator Good reads on both sides. A metaphor about the eternal cycle of life and death vs a tale of carnival tragedy. Both were well written, so substantially the edge here was won on the strength of the rhyming.