mvgt Dom
Etherwave
I think overall this did a solid job of touching on both the picture topic and topically something happening in the boards if just for a small grin. I admit, when I saw my topic... the urge to do an entire diss track was strong (and even started along that path), so I feel you.
Best lines:
I mastered the craft of taking a bath like a pig. Stuck in the mud, stomach stuck to my ribs. Telling lies just to see if anyone will notice my fibs. Thinking about blowing this artistic mind into bits.
I honestly think it's dude's hair not a hat lol. Overall, long lines LOOK odd to many of us, but you still maintain a relatively consistent flow and scheme throughout.
this is a solid piece about a dude who feels stuck, who can't be taken seriously by his family, who is struggling with suicidal ideations, and is afraid if he shows weakness the people closest to him will leave, afraid of that eventuality even THOUGH they don't take him seriously and make him feel lesser.
you know I'm mad at the "my life is up in smoke" chunk, dr seuss. definitely some space killing filler, bc you got back into it with the bath like a pig chunk.
it falls off a little, but I still get the premise: his pleas for help are just taken as fits of rage, he's aching desperately for something to fill what feels like a gaping hole in his soul/heart/etc. - and acceptance, that he KNOWS there's something out there that can make him feel better - but until then, he'll just keep feeling down, struggling through.
Dom
Great story, and usage of a relatively common theme I've seen here by the stronger writers - taking a commonly known person/place/thing/blah and wrapping a story around them, teasing at it, and hopefully executing it in a way that the "reveal" feels like a "oh duhhhhh now I need to reread".
I think the best lines were:
Dread twisted inside him, leaving him cold to the core
“What do you mean, perhaps? I have to know!” he implored
smooth flow and clean read.
I don't see the need as much as with your opponent to break this down, as it's clear: Erwin dreams a dream with a (his?) cat and has his epiphany towards the famous schrondingers thought experiment.
it does a great job of capturing the "weirdness" of dreams, and the subconscious's push towards compiling things that it's been thinking about and making them work together - hence the eureka moment while asleep.
there was a lot of smoothness to reading, a fewwwww bumpy parts but nothing that horribly distracted. overall a clean piece as expected.
also great usage of exactly the line count - something I need to do xD
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