i don't care that etherwave used my name- ultimately it hurts her piece imo. it's disconnected. secondly- both of those votes are HORRIBLE- not because of who they voted for, but HOW they voted. Sral- i know inactivity is at a high point but you need to include a sticky in these tournaments like a 'HOW TO VOTE ON TOPICALS" and show good votes vs. bad votes, and why it matters.
I wouldn't let some of these people vote- dope girl- she's a retard. the funny thing is- ether lacks character development more than my piece did last round, but she (didn't know you were a she- because i don't know who the fuck you are btw).....also lacks the interesting "phrases" she apparently had in the first round. Also- where I had one line that stretched the "rhythmic cadence" in my last round- ether does this constantly, add in to the fact that multisyllabic rhyming, or even perfect end rhyming isn't her strong suit- I felt this piece was a step BACKWARDS from her first round, which was decent. No hate towards Ether- I was happy she filled in last round because I didn't want a no show. I also thought she used a lot of cliche's without necessarily making them interesting. "flirting with death", i also thought "this stupid hat on my head" was a weird choice...if it's stupid, you wouldn't wear it.
favorite lines few and far between but
I married Cherry despite what they said, now I'm just mirroring a man who's needs are unmet.
All I'm seeing is red.
"cherry/red" I liked that. she put the color in our head in line one, and then exposed it to the light in line two. I thought that was really sharp.
7.3/10
Dom-
I think tDom's entire piece is over heads right now. The ending- I'll start there- it's a thought experiment where something can be alive or dead at the same time, only decided when an action taken. In the case of his specific experiment, it's typically discussed as placing a cat in a box with poisoned food, and you seal the box. The thought behind it is- you put the cat in alive, so it's technically alive because we don't know the cat ate the poisoned food...and it's not dead until you open the box, thus finishing the experiment. But now re-read it (sorry I had to reverse it like you did)....and the cat is doing the experiment on the human in his dream, so dope.
Now back to the regularly scheduled vote-
Second line- I don't like the wording. If people had a problem with me using "me" for the rhyme scheme early (which- i chose for a reason because I was writing it from a child's perspective, and everything in the world revolves around them, I, me...) the section
He found himself there, in that dim and windowless place
The air as thin and as hazy as the wisps of his memory remained
Is even worse because it's a mouthful "the air as thin and as hazy as"....it's not fluid. also- not helped by the imperfect multi end rhyme "windowless place", "memory remained"....it really hurts the opening IMO....the near perfect read imperfect end rhyme and multis will be a theme throughout...however....
The story told is much deeper than ether's who just scratches the surface in a way that I did last round. You have actual dialogue, and internal dialogue.
Shadows shifted and coalesced into rudimentary shapes
And he saw the cat. Fixing him in its penetrative, vigilant gaze.
I liked the description of the way the cat was looking at him.
“Hello, Erwin.”
A Chill.
He pinched himself, expecting to wake
But the room, his confusion, and a sense of misgiving remained
“Is this — am I dead?” He stammered, beginning to shake
“Perhaps,” purred the cat, in its cool and indifferent way
Dread twisted inside him, leaving him cold to the core
“What do you mean, perhaps? I have to know!” he implored
I love this section as the drama starts to build and the lines and rhyme scheme begin to pick up momentum...the multis start building and the end rhyme gets perfect. ...
A hint of amusement played behind two lucid, smoldering orbs
“If you’d like to know,” the cat grinned, “it’s simple - open the door.”
“What… What’s out there?” Feeling panic rise in his throat
But all that reflected back at him was the cat’s disquieting gloat
“Perhaps life… Perhaps death... Perhaps it’s neither, or both.”
“I don’t see-“
“Exactly. You’re tantalizingly close.
this section alone beats etherwave (no hate for real ether- i thought you won last round. I wasn't mad at you getting votes. I was mad at myself for phoning it in).
"thick as a fog"- I thought was unfitting of this verse, minor nitpicking.
A sudden burst of clarity. He felt the pieces clicking together
This concept a pivotal step towards altering physics forever
In his mind, the discipline’s paradigm. About to shift for the better
Putting pen to pristine paper, he rushed to scribble a letter
A thought experiment paradox. His article’s perfect opener
Quantum mechanics: a new understanding. He signed it, Erwin Schrödinger
----
9.3/10
As far as story elements go, this piece is REALLY DOPE.
MVGT Dom. It's one of the best pieces I've read in a long time.
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