Candy:
I strive to be cohesive, and as you know from the past, this causes me to struggle with how you write your pieces. Even looking past the grammar/spelling errors (which is not to say the errors themselves are an issue, but when I have to spend time thinking about "what word did they mean here?" it detracts from the piece - although I love a thinker, something a reread doesn't hurt, I don't love something a reread is required for), I still heavily struggle to find the rhythm, the flow of the piece (not that it needs to be rap-like necessarily, but I pride myself in my flow and I have yet to connect with yours).
All that said, I also think this is a slightly more cohesive piece than what I've seen from you in the past - although it still flits and flies all over the place, from ducks to virginity to woodsmen to demons to a lot of trees... it at least tries to stay cohesive in its "mood setting" of the picture. While this is a good aspect, I also feel it never truly lands enough on the topic and instead sets the background/surrounding atmosphere for the topic.
Likewise, the emotions of the author seem to alternate between semi-serious to frivolous - speaking of plagues and darkness, webs, demon spawn, brimstone, and then (what I assume are light attempts at comedic relief) things like "anywhoot" and "night night", "duckling ducks for cover", etc. which feel wholly out of place and disruptive to the previously-mentioned-understanding of the piece: atmosphere setting.
Moving in a direction that will appeal to me, but all said: keep doing you. I think we'll click at some point, but it may be awhile.
Mike:
Great piece, connected to the topic in an unexpected way, and maintains a focus on that (coercing the topic to not be about some demonic creature and instead about the rage and anger). Emotional content as well which is buy-in for some/many of the fathers here. I regret listening to the music as it sort of dictated how I read your piece, but also... I wish your opponent had music that told me how to read theirs.
I like the little back and forth of loyalty - daughter's to dad, dad's to daughter.
While the central theme (causing the anger) is big, I think it was the weakest point of the piece, as the rest of it didn't feel like it embodied the rage and anger an (abstract, character) father would feel - not to malign anyone's experiences, whatever they may be.
That said, a lot of great points and smooth transitions of the story when I reread and actively looked for them: purgatory, the feeling of having been unable to protect and the dread of being unable to do anything, and likely the dread of any justice system working, passing away and acting as a spiritual guardian, being careful to show the father enacting vengeance in ways that a spirit might, etc.
Very clean piece, some small things that didn't quite click for me, but negligible.
mvgt Mike
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