Im not gonna lie, Edgar allan poe could've posted after the first poem, and I would've voted for Cherry Hill, period. I fell in love with it. Now, it could most certainly be polished, and edited, and corrected. But none of that took away from the world it built and the way it just rolled off my tongue when I read it out loud. Not to mention just thought it was cool the two who posted first and I wanted to be brave like them.
But, then, finally, after I waited SOOOO many Long hours (and had read cherry hill like, 46 times) There was another post. And I was quite surprised that there was competition, honestly this is the best battle so far and really closet match up. I Almost dare not even break them down they are honestly beyond my expertise.
Candy
darkness falls on cherry hill
..
[in a chasm a subtle crushendo blows]
I was immediately distracted by crushendo. I'm sorry I have a short attention span and, I didn't know if you meant crescendo, or if I was missing something. So I thought about it for a long time. Distracted. But then I read the whole thing and was like hmmmm. And then I read it out loud and it just, made more sense. So it's all good.
[a whislting willow, a hollow oak groans
a leaf falls backward in its stroke of genius - it peels
like a cicada driping it shell to the floor by its heels
hell] Again the like, spelling and grammar got my attention.
[the clouds are buckling genius
a suckling sappling of a duckling ducks for cover..
instead of being supper a peaking duck suchling for the lovers -of-] I thought about a suckling sappling of a duckling ducks for cover forever. It's my biggest problem with the piece. Ngl.
What I got from this first piece. Is a kind of panning out of the scenery around the character. Setting the energy and air and mood.
- [grass grains made of tree trunk by the manger
a lone star that never leave the scene too late to miss the anger its hording
like a horde of hornets sat in its bonnet
each comment vile honest vomit promises of dishonest sonnets and such long jeopardy] This is my favorite part!
The other trouble I have, is the ending, I just believed it needed.....IT DESERVED a little more of a dignified ending.
Kind of felt like you was like, well I guess that's a good place to end it. And just said the end. But chefs kiss regardless. Thanks for cooking that up for us.
This was my least favorite picture ngl. Even less than the robots :( but the pieces that yall came up with were amazing
Mike wrecka
This was a really good, and like, moving piece. I got the impression (and please forgive me for rushing through this part as I'm just about to get off work and go to sleep. It takes nothing away from how much I really enjoyed the piece) that it was the story of someone's anger and rage building up over time until they others couldn't recognize them, and eventually, they couldn't even recognize themselves once they boiled over to completely consumed by their rage. I got the sense that there was some sort of dissociation. And while his inner world wants the best the only thing that's really left of him is violence and rage. And he thinks the lessons he wants to teach but he's on autopilot. But the very one thing he can do is be a protector and that's all he's made up of anymore. If that makes any sense. Amywho, beautiful, very well written. The grammar and spelling not at all distracting.
...that being said, it pains me to vote on this but imma be a good sport.
I gotta vote for Candy. I felt much more connected to the piece. Unfortunately, I had much longer to become familiar with it. And I just very much enjoyed the "voice" of it. Yours was a tad bit more rappy to me.
Not that that's a bad thing. I just personally preferred the more, theatrical, and dramatic in this setting, than the relatable and personal vibe of Mike's (your) super amazing piece
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